Archive for January, 2010

The Late-Night Quandry

Sunday, January 24th, 2010
To text back or not to text? That is the question…

I have had the good fortune to be in Chile for the last ten days on a writing assignment.

A large chunk of those ten days was spent interrogating the male members of my trip about how they relate to women.

One of the following tidbits of information, however simple it may seem, is something that I know alludes many a female.

Women tend to be the nurturing and responsive members of the human species: this applies to text messages as well.

So hear ye, oh members of the responsive female race: Do not respond to any text message received from a guy after 2 am.

Texts like, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Hey, where are you?” “Wanna meet up?” “Wat up girl?” “Hey, how was your night?” etc. etc. are all code for “I want to get into your pants. Now.”

Now I know what you are saying: “But we’re just friends!” “He would never want to hook up with me.” “There’s no way he would think I would ever hook up with him.” “But what if something happened to him and he needs help?”

Yes, he definitely needs help. Turning his phone off, that is.

Humans are innately sexual human beings, and when the werewolves and the bacardi are out, this is even moreso the case.

If you still don’t believe me, my dear female friends, take a look at your text message/call box from your last night out on the town: who did you text after 2?

Enough said.

And just to make things even worse, sometimes these “Let’s hook-up” texts come before the 10:00 news even hits CNN.

With those texts, it’s important to take a close look and see if the text is specific to you or generalizable. Here’s why:
one of the guys on my trip  told me that when he wants to “get some,” he will send out the same text message to a number of female contacts. Whoever responds is the winner….or rather, the loser, particularly in his case (just kidding, buddy!).

So with that said, beware of  text messages from guys at any hour….I know you want to believe that he likes you, or you’re different, or you’re just friends, but, particularly if you are a friendly, appealing woman, he is testing the waters to see how close it is that he can get to you while doing the least amount of work.

Let him pick up the freaking phone if he really wants to talk to you. It won’t kill him.

Posted in NYC, advice, advice for women, communication, dating, food for thought, sex | 1 Comment »

Las Cosas del Corazon

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

“Que haces in los Estados Unidos, Samantha?,” the passport control worker said to me. I had just arrived in Chile, excited to begin a writing assignment for a new client. The name on his tag read “Estigio Gomez.” He was a jovial, heavyset Chilean man. I smiled, delighted that I had recently learnt the Spanish word for “writer.”

“Yo soy una escritora,” I replied.

“ Joven para un escritoro, si?” he continued. (You are young for a writer, aren’t you?) I laughed, shaking my head. He smiled. “Que escribes?” (What do you write?)

“Ummm..” I hesitated. This was where my Spanish died. How on earth did you say ‘dating column’ in Spanish?

I didn’t know. So I said it in English, hoping that either the right word would come to me or he would just understand. “I write about dating, relationships, love…” I trailed off at the look on his face. He didn’t get it.“Umm..” I said again. I hated not knowing what I was talking about. “Amor!” I shouted jubilantly. Yes, I knew something that made sense was in there somewhere.

“Ahhhh,” he replied, his face melting into satisfied comprehension.

“Las cosas del corazon,” he said, drawing out the last syllable.

“Si!” I exclaimed. That was exactly right. ‘Cosas’ meant things, ‘Corazon’ meant heart.

I wrote about “the things of the heart.”

After I passed through customs and emerged out into the hot sunny parking lot of the Santiago Airport, I started thinking about the difference between ‘things of the heart’ and the words we usually use to explain the same things.

In America, our “things of the heart’ terminology are the following:    love, relationships, sex, and dating. But do these really describe all the things that go on in our hearts? And does a tendency to ascribe to one of these four indicate that the other things that go on aren’t important?

I realized that the latter was correct: by generalizing into four terms,  other things, emotions, and thoughts related to our hearts are marginalized by ourselves and by society. Thus, people who can’t categorize their feelings or situation into one of these linguistic baths end up feeling bashful and unimportant.

But what’s interesting is that most people, particularly in New York where over half of the population is single aren’t in love, in relationships, having regular sex, or even dating. So does that mean that the emotions in their hearts don’t matter?

Not at all. But in order for those emotions, and for those people to gain an accepted place in society, we need to appreciate other things besides the four catch words. We need to bring words like hook-up, lust, guilt, shame, crush, same-sex partners, into the media and into the general conversation.

So heading towards this Valentine’s Day, don’t feel bad if you aren’t in a relationship, haven’t fallen in love, or don’t have a date.

Because it doesn’t mean that your heart is empty, it just means it’s busy with other things- with friendship, family, nostalgia, ambition, etc. Things that may not be spattered on the cover of Cosmo, but are nevertheless just as important.

Posted in NYC, Valentine's Day, advice, advice for women, dating, dating in marketing, fantasy love, friendship, holiday advice, media, self-love, sex, spirituality | 2 Comments »

How to Meet Women and Get Better in Bed at the Same Time

Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Where are all the guys?

Where are all the guys?

I go to yoga class twice a week. It is my salvation, my peace, my relaxation and rejuvenation. Every Wednesday and Friday, there is one guy in my class, a young Asian man with a British accent.

I can never understand why there aren’t more men.

Because men are constantly asking me where to meet women— and all I can think of every time I go to yoga is how gender skewed the classes are, and how much men are missing out.

So let me tell you why the girl you are looking for is in fact, out there…somewhere between a sun salutation and warrior.

First of all, most of the girls in the yoga classes I’ve been to, and I have been all over the city to a multitude of different studios and gyms, are not just pretty, but beautiful, slender, and graceful.

Also, yoga is about self-awareness- bringing people into the practice who desire to get in touch with themselves or are in touch with themselves already. And people in touch with themselves are more adroit at getting in touch with others and others feelings.  The more in touch you are with yourself and with others, the better you are in any relationship, whether it be a romantic one or not.

Yoga is also about gratitude and openness, being derived from the Buddhist Faith, a faith that teaches peace, purity, and selflessness. At the beginning of each class, you are supposed to dedicate the class to something or someone. And at the end of each class, the students join together and say “Namaste,” or “The God/Goddess Spirit within me recognizes and honors the God/Goddess Spirit within you.”

What does that say about the nature of people who do yoga? They tend to be people who are open to the world and to others, and are interested in living in a state of contentedness and peace.

This means the women that you meet in yoga typically aren’t high-strung, jaded New Yorkers; they are women who embrace the spiritual roots of yoga- peace and gratitude- and they are women who have the patience and openness to breathe deeply and get through a yoga class, as difficult, deep, and often slow the class may be.

Also, yoga stretches out your entire body, limbering up areas that usually aren’t addressed in a normal stretching regimen, such as the hips and the chest. Yoga also works your core. The looser your hips, the tighter your core, and the more limber you are overall, the better you are in bed. And hello, can you say “new poses?” Let your imagination run wild…

Furthermore, yoga is so good for you that it’s kind of unbelievable we didn’t start doing it sooner. The below article cites “77 surprising health benefits of yoga,” from an increased metabolism to  lower blood pressure to overall cardiovascular and bodily health. It is also a terrific compliment to weight-lifting, helping muscles to repair and recover.

http://www.nursingdegree.net/blog/24/77-surprising-health-benefits-of-yoga/

So don’t ask me where to meet women.  Just get your butt to yoga.  Your competition will be nil, you will show women how spiritual and in touch with yourself you are (hot), and even if you don’t get a date out of it (which I seriously doubt, if you play your cards right) you still get to stare at a bunch of cute girls in tight clothes stretching for an hour.

Oh, and you’ll feel pretty darn awesome also.

Not bad, huh?

Still intimidated? Worried you are going to make a fool of yourself?

Take a class specifically for beginners- the teacher will help you into the poses and adjust you. Or just try it at the gym- these classes are usually pretty basic.

There will be some poses that are more stretching oriented that might be difficult for you, but you actually will find that you are better than women at some of the other poses which require arm, back, and leg strength.

Namaste :)

Good Studios

Laughing Lotus

Yoga Works

Yoga for the People (Suggested donation)

Bikram Union Square (Hot yoga- really hard but leaves you feeling incredible)

Posted in advice, advice for guys, communication, dating, friendship, relationships, sex, spirituality | 3 Comments »

Online dating: High School all over again?

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Sorry, but you should have laid off of the Christmas cookies. You are obviously no longer beautiful- get out of our turf.

Sorry, but you should have laid off of the Christmas cookies. You are obviously no longer beautiful- get off our turf.

So, the online dating scandal of the week has surfaced: thousands of members have been kicked off of Beautifulpeople.com, which claims to be just for the gorgeous, supposedly because they posted pictures of themselves over the holidays and New Year, which apparently weren’t too flattering. Robert Hinze, the founder of the site, actually referred to the supposed online beauty perpetrators as “fatties.” Sounds like a well-bred man.

Besides the fact that the website, and its founder, are ridiculous because well, they are, here’s my opinion: It is impossible on an online dating site to EVER get people to put up photos of how they really look. Because people are putting their best foot forward precisely because of the fact that photos are what people see first, they know that they better be good. That means they might use a picture from three years ago when they were tan and 120 lbs, even if now they aren’t close to that.

So now that we know that people put up their A+ photos, let’s think about how we can actually find out- as the online dating peruser, which of the men or women we’ve picked out on a site based on their photos and profile would actually be attractive to us if we met them in real life? Because this is the ultimate challenge of online dating: finding someone online who you would actually be compatible with and attracted to face-to-face.

There are a few answers to this question.

1)     We can follow up on someone ourselves (facebook, myspace, etc.)

2)     We can talk to friends who actually know them

3)     We can choose our sites wisely, as in the ones who have verification systems for their members

#’s 2 and 3 are only available on one site and one site (or rather network) only. Meezoog created itself as a network precisely so that people could correspond with their prospects in a supportive environment: with information from their friends and member verifications, instead of blindly hoping that “Nycrichhottie” is actually rich and a hottie (of which he is probably neither). Also, because Meezoog only signs up people with their real names, you can check up on them on facebook before you even hit the “message me” button.  Basically, Meezoog is on the up and up. It’s the only dating mechanism online that enables you to come as close as possible to “what you see is what you get.”

But let’s forget about Meezoog for a minute and go back to Beautifulpeople again. Why is the concept so ridiculous? Well, for one, because beauty, as the saying goes, is only skin deep. I, for one, would much rather subscribe to a site for ‘smart people who care about the world’ than one for beautiful people, who can often be self-absorbed, callous, and aloof. But that’s just me.

However, on second thought, let’s let this site thrive, and consume all of the people of the caliber of, for example, Ms. Cooke, one of the site’s loyal members.

“Ms. Cooke says that she’s been on one date since joining the BeautifulPeople.com late last year (so obviously, the site is really working), and that had the man she went out with appeared “chubbier” than he advertised in his photo, she would have been disappointed. After all, it’s beautiful people, she says, and not fat people, who she wants to date.” (ABC News)

Enough said there.

So let’s let these high-caliber individuals take themselves out of the dating market by mating with one another…that is unless they decide to cheat on their “beautiful” significant others or spouses. Oh, no worries, there’s a site for that too. Welcome Ashley Madison, for cheaters who want to have affairs on the sly by putting their photos on the internet. People are just so smart.

Let the scandals continue…

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in advice, dating, media, online dating, safety in internet dating | 2 Comments »

Come Buy With Me, But Don’t You Dare Dump Me…

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010
No you didnt...

I'm taking the dog.. and lighting all those ugly ties on fire...

This week’s Sunday Times Real Estate section featured the article, “Come Buy with Me and Be My Love,” by Hilary Stout.   The article said that due to a terrific buyer’s market, a lot of couples who are ‘planning to get married’ are buying homes prior to saying their vows.

But although real estate is so cheap right now that even I want to buy (which isn’t even possible),  the smiles on the featured couples’ faces less filled me with congratulatory excitement than they did with overwhelming dread.

Because it may just be me, but buying a home, like an actual house and property, with someone you are “planning to get married to” sounds like a pretty terrible idea.

Why is that?

Because plans change.

And if, or when they do, both parties are going to be screwed in a bad way, economically and emotionally.

First of all, as the article points out, real estate laws are designed for married couples acquiring assets: the rules when it comes to plain old couples acquiring assets, even “planning to get married” ones (and even those who actually do down the road), don’t really exist. For example, Ms. Stout points out that the income tax break currently being offered by the government to first- time home buyers, which can be divided between a husband and wife, cannot be divided between aboyfriend and girlfriend acquiring the same assets.’

And how about emotional well-being?

Break-ups are hard enough as it is, but when you own something together, be it a couch, a stereo system, or a home, things get a lot more complicated (and I’m not even mentioning kids here). In a bad way.

My friend Rita was living with her boyfriend for the past year-and-a-half. College sweethearts, he moved across the country just to be with Rita (how romantic).

But as of November 2009, Rita wasn’t doing so hot.

Nothing persay happened, but she simply fell out of love, as people do. She no longer wanted to be sexual with her boyfriend and started to be attracted to other men. She also began to realize that her painting career- the reason she had come to NYC in the first place- had fallen on the back burner in respect of a more pressing day-to-day existence: being a dutiful girlfriend and roommate.

Rita came to me for counsel. Being as young as she is, and without the uber-complicating factors of shared property or children, I encouraged Rita to work on the relationship as much as she could, but if after a while, she knew in her heart that it wasn’t going to work, she should end things.

Rita really already knew this. But she was still filled with buts. On top of saying goodbye to her best friend, there was a lease to get out of, furniture to divide, the task of finding a new place to live, etc. And a myriad of other things to take care of in order to peace out of the relationship, stat.

Rita finally decided to leave her beau, but it wasn’t easy. She just moved into a new place this past weekend.

But if there are these many issues when the only physical property at stake are some kitchenware and a lease, can you imagine how hard it would be when a house is involved? And a tax break that only one of you received? And a mortgage that only one of you paid? Assets that can’t be split down the middle because the state, the government, doesn’t recognize your union, however much in love you were- they only recognize you as individuals. They don’t care who paid for what or who didn’t. Uh-oh.

Buying together becomes even more frightening when it comes to a couple who hasn’t even lived together yet. And yes, this does happen.

What if two days after the kitchen is done, you realize that the person you “planned to get married to,” you legitimately can’t stand. And the idea of being trapped in isolation with them outside of the city, (because, let’s be real here, most couples can’t afford to buy in Manhattan)- the city where you have always lived, close to friends and other sources of entertainment- makes you want to take a gun to your head and to theirs?

Then you are s*** out of luck.

So, as Miss Stout says, “Look Before You Leap.” Because the likelihood of one or the other of you breaking a leg, and not being able to walk for a long, long time, is more likely than the chance that you will be throwing a bouquet or hopping on your knee anytime soon. So, better yet, don’t leap at all. Focus on loving for right now and the leaping will come later.

Meezoog.com- Real people, real profiles, and real love…irf…relationships…

Posted in NYC, Stories, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, marriage, real estate, relationships | No Comments »