Archive for the ‘NYC’ Category

« Older Entries

Daytime Dating: The Sunny way to Date

Monday, April 5th, 2010



At long last, it’s spring. The birds are chirping, people are laughing, and you can actually see what someone looks like walking down the street because they’re not all bundled up in a winter coat. The parks are finally becoming green again and joggers are showing up outside instead of in the gyms.

Beautiful weather and greenery give off a lovely vibe of leisure and peace.

So you meet a prospect and want to go on a date- and, you actually are looking to get to know the person, not just to sleep with them. In winter, it is natural to suggest a restaurant or indoor activity. But for spring and summer, make it an outdoor date- and make it during the day. Even better is to plan the date on a Saturday or Sunday, where neither of you have to be anywhere.

Great daytime dates typically start around 1 or 2:00 in the afternoon with lunch and conversation- if the weather is nice, make it a picnic. And it doesn’t have to be in Central Park- New York has parks all over the place, and although some might be nicer than others, just sitting in the sun near some trees has a pretty magical effect.

After lunch, walk around- no purpose necessary. However, it is always nice to walk towards a romantic destination- so that when your sandals start digging into your toes, there is actually a bench or some grass to sit down on, and an environment to set the mood.

The endorphins provided by the exercise of walking and the happiness engendered by the sun will put you both in a good mood- setting you up for a lovely time with one another. And resist the urge to make plans with a friend for later in the day or to provide yourself with an out. Just enjoy the weather and the company and let yourself get to know that person. A really awesome daytime date won’t end until after the sun sets:  as my lovely date yesterday said as we waited for homemade pasta at a little Italian bistro tucked away on Suffolk Street -”It’s like we’ve had three dates in one- (and three great dates, at that).” :)

Great ideas for beautiful daytime dates:

Picnics- Whole Foods and the City Bakery (18th bet 5th and 6th), are both places great to get picnic-esque food

Parks (Central, Madison, Gramercy (if you can sneak your way in- just be prepared to sneak out also!), Bryant, Riverside)

*The Reservoir and the Pond at Central Park are both gorgeous

The Water – There is a beautiful new esplanade between East Houston Street to 20th st., and then all the way from 59th st. up on the East Side, and the West Side has places to chill all the way up to Harlem)

Bike Riding- Most places let you rent bikes as cheap as 10 dollars for two hours

Roof Top restaurants, gardens, and bars- Most of these are hotel bars- Gramercy Park Hotel, the Soho Grand, the Hudson Hotel, The Standard Hotel

Canoeing- Central Park anyone?

Kayaking- Kayaking starts in the middle of May at spots up and down the Hudson  http://www.downtownboathouse.org/kayaking.html, and bonus, it’s free!!!

The Driving Range- Chelsea Piers, anyone?

Hiking- take the subway up to Inwood- and hello, hiking!

Ice Cream- my personal fave is Emack and Bolio’s

The Ferry- The Ferry to Staten Island is 100 percent free

The Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island- intellectual, interesting, and ancestral oriented, ferry is awesome

Posted in NYC, advice, dating, economy | 34 Comments »

Dating Coaching: Demystifying the Process

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010
Dating Coaching: Demystifying the Process
I’m about to start working with a private client, a man in his twenties. To many, the idea of being coached at “dating” is straight out of Hitched- socially awkward guys needing help from suave Will Smith in order to pick up girls.
However, just as Mr. Smith finds out in the film when he actually falls for someone, dating coaching is no longer about just picking up hot girls- and is no longer reserved for the socially awkward. Several of my male friends- who were also acclaimed characters in the book The Game- all left the pick-up community, finding that although it was fun, it was ultimately unfulfilling- that they wanted love and a sustainable relationship, not just a one-night stand. So even those men, the suavest pick-up artists in the world, needed some coaching to find what they really wanted- a sustainable relationship with someone amazing.
Because sustainable relationships create sustainable happiness.  And everyone wants to be happy, not just for a night or two, but for life.
So what is dating coaching about now? For my clients, it’s about self-exploration and consequent discovery- it’s about finding out how their behavior, past experiences, and emotional issues are keeping them from finding a sustainable relationship and happiness.
Once they are clued in to self-discovery, we embark on a quest to change those behaviors, patterns of thinking, and we come to terms with the past in order to feel comfortable- and confident- going forward into the world of women.
Then comes image- how are they presenting themselves? We work on dress, haircut, posture, eye contact, demeanor- all of the things that illustrate to a woman confidence and comfort with oneself.
After all, in an evolutionary sense, women are looking for providers and protectors- so although they seek sensitivity and emotional awareness as well- they ultimately want to know that a man could- and would- keep her safe and secure in a world of chaos and fluctuation. That’s why “nice guys” often lose out- because although they might be able to be in tune with a woman’s wants and needs, her most primary need is security, and they are unable to show that they can provide that right off of the bat.
Then we go through exercises to determine what kind of woman would really make the man happy. This involves going through priorities- what matters the most to a man in his “ideal” woman- talking about if those terms are realistic, and prioritizing the things that matter to him the most in a mate.
Often, men will have a list of “must haves” that is simply impossible to fulfill- no one, and I mean no one, will have every single qualification you have dreamed up in your hand as your shining bride. That’s why we have to pick those qualities, and qualifications, that really matter the most to him.
Then we embark into the “dating scene.“ I introduce my clients to the mechanisms that exist nowadays  to help romance ignite, explaining the pros and cons of each- from online dating to speed dating, to other sorts of activities that would put the client in contact with women who match the profile he has created for her.
These can include anything from twenties and thirties geared non-profit groups, to activity clubs, to classes, to events, etc. Then we evaluate which of those might contain the woman he is looking for, and we choose the one he is most comfortable embarking on to begin.  As he goes through that experience, I talk him through the process of whatever it is that he has chosen- how to integrate what he has learned into that real environment.
Sometimes this means going on-site with the client and literally coaching him through an event, fixing nervous or egregious behavior that has arisen and helping him to comprehend the scattered clues that most woman throw out upon first meeting them, waiting for the guy who can best pick them up and assemble them in the way that she expects.
And of course, just for fun and a little extra boost, I sometimes break out the stellar wing woman in me- using elementary tools of jealousy to make the client appear more attractive and desirable to other women, and also my knowledge of female psychology, in order to help my client open the conversation with the woman he finds appealing.
It’s not an easy or clean process- the men who really want to find an incredible woman must engage in this kind of self-discovery and image building in order to find her- and more importantly to keep her and satisfy her.
But again, finding this kind of relationship is what will make him happy for the long-term, and just as Will Smith deviated from being a clueless and emotionally insensitive- yet charming- fresh prince picking up babes on ABC, even he has morphed into this crucial process of struggle, self-discovery, and accomplishment, or rather, the pursuit of happiness.
The Expert in Seduction is so 1990s...

The "Expert en Seduction" is so 1990's...Au revoir, my friend

I’m about to start working with a private client, a successful and adorable man in his twenties. To many, the idea of being coached at “dating” is straight out of Hitched- socially awkward guys needing help from a suave pick-up artist in order to get hot girls.

However, just as Mr. Smith finds out in the film when he actually falls for someone- and his pick-up tools fail to impress her-, dating coaching is no longer about picking up hot girls- and is no longer reserved for the socially awkward. Several of my male friends- who were also acclaimed characters in the book The Game- all left the pick-up community, finding out that although it was fun, it was ultimately unfulfilling- that they wanted love and a sustainable relationship, not just a one-night stand. So even those masters in pick-up needed a new form of coaching, and this time, from a woman!

Because sustainable relationships create sustainable happiness.  And everyone wants to be happy, not just for a night or two, but for life.

So what is dating coaching about now? For my clients, it’s about self-exploration and consequent discovery; it’s about finding out how their behavior, past experiences, and emotional issues are keeping them from finding a sustainable relationship and happiness.

Once they are clued in to self-discovery, we embark on a quest to change those behaviors, patterns of thinking, and we come to terms with the past in order to feel comfortable- and confident- going forward into the world of women.

Then comes image- how are they presenting themselves? We work on dress, haircut, posture, eye contact, demeanor- all of the things that illustrate to a woman confidence and comfort with oneself.

After all, in an evolutionary sense, women are looking for providers and protectors- so although they seek sensitivity and emotional awareness as well- image and first impressions matter to her. Women ultimately want to know that a man could- and would- keep her safe and secure in a world of chaos and fluctuation. That’s why “nice guys” often lose out to alpha males:  although nice guys might be able to be in tune with a woman’s wants and needs, her most primary need is security, and many “nice guys” lack the image that illustrates confidence and this primary ability to protect and provide, while alpha males give that impression off right off the bat.

Then we go through exercises to determine what kind of woman would really make the man happy. This involves going through priorities- what matters the most to a man in his “ideal” woman- talking about if those terms are realistic, and prioritizing the things that matter to him the most in a mate. That way, he can understand that even if he finds a woman with only his top five “qualifications,” he is still a lucky guy and he should focus on what she has that he likes, as opposed to what she doesn’t have, or qualities that he dislikes.

Often, men will have a list of “must haves” which is simply impossible to fulfill- no one, and I mean no one, will have every single qualification you have dreamed up  to be present in your shining bride. That’s why a man has to choose the qualities  that are the most important to him.

Then we embark into the “dating scene.“ I introduce my clients to the mechanisms that exist nowadays  to help romance ignite, explaining the pros and cons of each: from online dating, likeMeezoog, to speed dating, to other sorts of activities that would put the client in contact with women who match the profile he has created for her.

These can include anything from twenties and thirties geared non-profit groups, to activity clubs, to classes, to events, etc. Then we evaluate which of those might contain the woman he is looking for, and we choose the one he is most comfortable embarking on to begin.  As he goes through that experience, I talk him through the process of whatever it is that he has chosen- how to integrate what he has learned into a real environment.

Sometimes this means going on-site with the client and literally coaching him through an event, fixing nervous or egregious behavior that has arisen and helping him to comprehend the scattered clues that most woman throw out upon first meeting a man, waiting for the guy who can best pick them up and assemble them in the way that she wants and expects.

And of course, just for fun and a little extra boost, I sometimes break out the stellar wing woman in me, using elementary tools of jealousy to make the client appear more attractive and desirable to other women, as well as utilizing my knowledge of female psychology to help my client open a conversation with the woman he finds appealing.

It’s not an easy or clean process, however the men who really want to find an incredible woman must engage in this kind of self-discovery and image building in order to succeed, and more importantly to satisfy this woman and to keep her.

But again, finding this kind of relationship is what will make the man happy for the long-term.

And this is the shift that has happened since the 90’s in the dating sphere: America’s preference has deviated from the charming and clueless ‘Fresh Prince’ to the man who struggles and goes the extra mile in order to find happiness. Hello Oscar.

Try Meezoog now to find your soulmate.

Tags: , ,
Posted in Break-Ups, Coaching, NYC, Starters, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, facebook, fantasy love, food for thought, global dating, money, music, online dating, relationships, self-love, sex, social anthropology, soulmates, spirituality, technology, weddings | 61 Comments »

Distance: A maker or a breaker?

Monday, March 15th, 2010

Doing anything long distance sucks. Long distance phone calls = expensive. Trying to negotiate a return on your mac from a guy in India= awful. Understanding Iraqi culture and mentality from American soil= catastrophic.

Long distance relationships fall right into that category. However, sometimes a little bit of distance is a good thing…

*****

Kelley came into the bar alone, wearing the requisite midtown suit and tie, glasses, and that weary look on his face that says: Give me a cold beer immediately.

As I am the bartender, I obliged him with a cold glass of Sam Adams and asked him where he was from. “Chicago,” he said, with a warm and trusting smile that was definitely more from the  MidWest than New York. “I’m here on work,” he continued.

I smiled back. I wondered if he had a wife back home in Chicago. I looked at his ring finger- Yup.

As I washed a pint glass to prepare for the next customer, I thought to myself, that must be hard, leaving your spouse all the time.

When the bar started to clear out and I had some time to talk to him further, I struck up a conversation with Kelley.

“So what’s it like?” I asked, as casually as possible. “Is traveling for work hard?”

Kelley explained that he only had to work two days out of the week in New York, the rest he spent at home in Chicago.

“Do you have kids?” I asked.

“Yes,” he responsed. “Three- thirteen, seventeen, and twenty. It was hard when my kids were little,” he said, as if reading my mind,” but now that they’re older it has gotten a lot better. And technology has made it so much easier!” he exclaimed.

“Like my thirteen year old daughter chats with me on Facebook- it makes it easier just to know that she’s there,” he said.

I thought back to when I was a little girl and my dad didn’t even have a cell phone- just a beeper. A doctor frequently on call, he would have to run to a pay phone everytime his beeper beeped with a new number and patient.

“But I have to say, there is a good part about being away,” he said. “It makes you appreciate your family so much more. Every moment I have with them I treasure.”

I thought back to my childhood again, of my dad running to the golf course to escape for a little while from the intensity of four girls plus my mother. I guess everyone needs a little time apart.

In the Orthodox Jewish faith, when a woman is in menstruation, the man and woman are required to sleep in separate beds for the duration of her period.

Just having become friendly with a married Orthodox couple who are  my age- and amazingly cool- I asked them if they do that.

“Yes,” Rivvie told me.

“Does it make you want each other more once it’s over?” I asked.

At this point, Rivvie and her husband Rob both nodded at me enthusiastically.

“Yes,” Rob responded. “Being apart for that week, though it’s hard, makes you want each other so much more.”

“It’s like being newlyweds all over again,” he said. I looked at them, together. They were so in love.

The rule of sleeping in separate beds made me think of all of those articles like “What to do when your sex life gets stale,” and “How to add some spice in the bedroom.” Well, this tradition seemed like a pretty basic way to do that me, without having to buy some fancy contraption or suffocate your spouse. There is nothing like a little time apart, and a little physical space, to make you and your body realize how much you want-and need- your significant other beside you.

But don’t go crazy. A large part of a successful relationship is physical intimacy, which can only be achieved when you are together. Emotionally intimacy- and truly getting to know one another, also pinpoints of a successful relationship,  are also difficult without someone’s physical presence.

I guess it’s like everything else in life: true success and happiness come with the right balance.

Tags: , ,
Posted in Break-Ups, NYC, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, facebook, food for thought, global dating, media, sex, technology | 54 Comments »

Your How to Guide to Happiness on Valentine’s Day: Whether you are single, committed, or in that funny place in between

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

Valentine’s Day provokes a lot of strange emotional reactions: denial, sorrow, excitement, nervousness, guilt, anxiety, etc.

What I’m here to tell you is that everyone needs to chill-the-Valentine’s-Day-out.

This day is not holy, religious, or particularly crucial to the existence of mankind.

Just think about it like Halloween- some tradition picked up somewhere along the line that some people get really into and others don’t. And where we get to eat lots of candy without any guilt.

According to two men whom I accosted at Cafe Habana (thanx guys! you’re the best), men don’t even care about Valentine’s Day. They only pretend to care about it because most women do. To them, it is just another football Sunday.

They will go out of their way to do something sweet for their lady (if they have one) but only if she makes it clear that this is an important day to her.

So for the committed ladies: If you care, tell him. And don’t pretend not to care if you actually do care, because if he doesn’t do anything for you per your behavior towards the holiday, this will just end up resulting in unintentional, yet tangible resentment towards your significant other.

Yet don’t dictate plans for V- day either- if you have made it clear to him that you are down with V-day affection, let him use this as a chance to show you what you mean to him- and no, that doesn’t mean if the chocolate isn’t Godiva or the flowers aren’t roses that he doesn’t care about you- he went out of his way to engage in a sentimental holiday that he couldn’t care less about because he does care about you, no matter what the gift is that he gives.

Gift: Do or don’t? The best gift that a woman can give her boyfriend is a fun card and a viewing of lacy lingerie post-dinner. And if you are adventurous, get on the baking- everyone loves cookies and cupcakes.

For the committed men: Don’t be morons. If she has hinted to you about dinner reservations even once, that means she cares. And if you are reading this blog and still haven’t made one, your head is as thick as Skippy Peanut Butter. You do have alternatives to taking her out to dinner though- cooking dinner, for one, or- I thought this was adorable- as my friend at Cafe Habana did- getting her favorite takeout from all different restaurants- ie, chocolate cake from one place, mac n cheese from the mac and cheese place, pad thai from her favorite Thai restaurant, all capped off with a bottle of her favorite wine. Remember, you want to show her that you have made an effort.

You don’t have to go crazy finding the right gift- a bouquet of red roses (or if you want to change it up, pink or yellow) and a thoughtful or funny card will do plenty to sweep her off her feet. And if you really like her and have the cash, jewelry never hurts.

For the in-between men: If you are dating a girl, and you really like her and want things to go somewhere, a good idea is to take her out on Valentine’s Day. Your willingness to invite her out on a day traditionally reserved for couples will show her that you are serious about her. But hold off on the gift parade- a single red rose is just intimate enough to say, “I think you are beautiful and sexy,” but a card, flowers, and chocolate will probably send her running before your table is ready.

If you don’t want to get serious with the girl you are dating, do not take her out on Valentine’s Day- this will send her the wrong message and she will end up attached to you like half of America is to Family Guy.  You two can meet up another night.

For the in- between women: He invited you out to dinner. What do you do?

First, only say yes if you really like him, although let’s hope that you do since you are dating the guy.

Gift: do or don’t? Don’t. Just take extra care to look pretty, smell nice, be attentive and positive for the night,  and maybe, just maybe, wear cute undergarments :)

And make an extra effort to act like a lady- hold the spitting and burping for another night, please (although, for the love of G-d, I hope you never do this in front of men anyways other than your brother).

Single men: If there was ever a better day to find a single woman, I don’t know what that day would be. Everyone out on Valentine’s night is virtually guaranteed to be single. So you can walk up to women with an extra bit of confidence- because also, if she is out, she is not just single but S+L— single and looking.

Single ladies: Save the Ben and Jerry’s for a hot day in July. Use this day to think about the people you do love in your life, your family, your friends, whoever. This is an awesome day to chill with your other single friends, to A) realize how many women are also single and B) to live up your single life by perusing the bar at night for equally single men. How fun :)

Just remember, men are temporary, but friends, at least the good ones, are forever.

But above anything else, remember to enjoy your day, your lovers, your friends, whatever. Because A) It is a holiday and holidays= celebration, and B) You don’t have to work on Monday. I mean, really, what could be better?

For some good places to hunt and have a blast on the V-day, check out this blog: http://www.asylum.com/2010/02/11/celebrate-your-singledom-this-valentines-day/

and for couples looking for some romance, check out this one:
http://www.asylum.com/2010/02/11/new-york-city-valentines-day-guide-restaurants-events/

and of course, courtesy of the lovely Ms. Jacinto,  recession friendly Valentine’s tips:

http://www.minyanville.com/lifemoney/articles/valentines-day-plans-money-gifts-love/2/11/2010/id/26827?camp=syndication&medium=portals&from=yahoo

XOXO- The Dating Diva

Tags: , ,
Posted in NYC, Valentine's Day, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, dating, friendship, holiday advice, relationships | 30 Comments »

The Beauty of Benefits

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
So, how did you end up at the Gala to support Anime?

So, how did you end up at the "We Heart Anime" Gala?

We were standing by the quesadillas and salsa. I eyed them speculatively, half-listening to my fellow Tufts alum standing next to me. “You see, I’m just really not meeting the types of girls I want to meet,” he said. I wondered if they had chicken in them or if it was just veggies. Not that it mattered. I reached my hand out, fingers descending upon a little cheesy tortilla.

“So do you have any suggestions?” he asked. “I mean, you are the dating diva, you must know.”

And the dating diva did not need to be chomping on cold Mexican food. I withdrew my hand like there was a cockroach looking up at me and focused myself on the sweet boy so candidly requesting my advice.

“Well,” I said. “You have different options, depending on the type of girl you are looking for.”

Without a blink, he said, “Well-bred.” Hmmm… I wondered if he was looking for a girl or had a secret horse fetish.

Nevertheless. I thought about broaching the online idea, but then dismissed it.  Some guys aren’t ready for online. They need to start slow.

I thought about it. Where did well-bred girls congregate?

“Honestly,” I said, “I think that a great place to meet that type of girl is at a charity event.” He looked intrigued by my response, if only slightly.

“See, the first thing that’s good about a benefit, is that everyone pays to get in. This immediately weeds out a lot of the golddiggers (and for the women, the slouches).” We talked about it for several more minutes until a girl came up to me from school who I hadn’t seen in ages, and when I bid him goodbye, Eric looked at the very least, satisfied, happy to have a new way to try and meet that special someone.

Benefits really do tend to attract the cream of the crop. First of all, all of the people there have made a commitment to humanity (although they may not realize it as such) by making a contribution to a good cause. They get immediate bonus points in the land of meeting a “good” guy or “good” girl- they actually care about something besides themselves.

Benefits are also great places to meet someone because you automatically have something in common to talk about.

Man: “So, how did you end up at the Gala for Endangered Tropical Fish?”

Woman: “Well, after my travels in Zambia I was really affected by the wildlife there…”

Man: “Wow, you’ve been to Zambia? That reminds me of a little trip I took to the Ivory Coast. Unbelievable- I never meet girls who have been to Africa….”

Blah, blah, blah and the next thing you know, those two are walking down the aisle, the fish they saved in tow.

Also, people at a charity event or benefit were either invited by the organizer, or the organizer’s friends, or friends of friends, etc. This means that everyone is socially connected to each other in some way, and those who are socially connected have more in common than a random sort of grouping you might find at a bar.

And if 4 am rolls around and you haven’t met anyone date-worthy, who cares? You should feel good about yourself for having expressed a commitment to humanity by supporting a good cause.

Lucky for you, if you just love this idea, Meezoog is sponsoring not one, but two charity events this week:  one, hosted tonight,  is a Valentine’s soiree at the Gates thrown by the YPCC (the Young Professionals Council for choice), and the other, hosted tomorrow night, Feb. 5, is a music- studded extravaganza held at Amnesia to support Disaster Relief in Haiti.

To get tickets for “I Heart Pro-Choice NY“, visit www.ypccny.org, and to get tickets for “Hope for Haiti,” visit www.haitidisasterfoundation.org.

You can get out on the town, do a good deed, and meet a compatible lover all in one night.Who ever said you couldn’t kill three birds with one stone?

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in NYC, Valentine's Day, holiday advice, relationships | 1 Comment »

The Late-Night Quandry

Sunday, January 24th, 2010
To text back or not to text? That is the question…

I have had the good fortune to be in Chile for the last ten days on a writing assignment.

A large chunk of those ten days was spent interrogating the male members of my trip about how they relate to women.

One of the following tidbits of information, however simple it may seem, is something that I know alludes many a female.

Women tend to be the nurturing and responsive members of the human species: this applies to text messages as well.

So hear ye, oh members of the responsive female race: Do not respond to any text message received from a guy after 2 am.

Texts like, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Hey, where are you?” “Wanna meet up?” “Wat up girl?” “Hey, how was your night?” etc. etc. are all code for “I want to get into your pants. Now.”

Now I know what you are saying: “But we’re just friends!” “He would never want to hook up with me.” “There’s no way he would think I would ever hook up with him.” “But what if something happened to him and he needs help?”

Yes, he definitely needs help. Turning his phone off, that is.

Humans are innately sexual human beings, and when the werewolves and the bacardi are out, this is even moreso the case.

If you still don’t believe me, my dear female friends, take a look at your text message/call box from your last night out on the town: who did you text after 2?

Enough said.

And just to make things even worse, sometimes these “Let’s hook-up” texts come before the 10:00 news even hits CNN.

With those texts, it’s important to take a close look and see if the text is specific to you or generalizable. Here’s why:
one of the guys on my trip  told me that when he wants to “get some,” he will send out the same text message to a number of female contacts. Whoever responds is the winner….or rather, the loser, particularly in his case (just kidding, buddy!).

So with that said, beware of  text messages from guys at any hour….I know you want to believe that he likes you, or you’re different, or you’re just friends, but, particularly if you are a friendly, appealing woman, he is testing the waters to see how close it is that he can get to you while doing the least amount of work.

Let him pick up the freaking phone if he really wants to talk to you. It won’t kill him.

Posted in NYC, advice, advice for women, communication, dating, food for thought, sex | 1 Comment »

Las Cosas del Corazon

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

“Que haces in los Estados Unidos, Samantha?,” the passport control worker said to me. I had just arrived in Chile, excited to begin a writing assignment for a new client. The name on his tag read “Estigio Gomez.” He was a jovial, heavyset Chilean man. I smiled, delighted that I had recently learnt the Spanish word for “writer.”

“Yo soy una escritora,” I replied.

“ Joven para un escritoro, si?” he continued. (You are young for a writer, aren’t you?) I laughed, shaking my head. He smiled. “Que escribes?” (What do you write?)

“Ummm..” I hesitated. This was where my Spanish died. How on earth did you say ‘dating column’ in Spanish?

I didn’t know. So I said it in English, hoping that either the right word would come to me or he would just understand. “I write about dating, relationships, love…” I trailed off at the look on his face. He didn’t get it.“Umm..” I said again. I hated not knowing what I was talking about. “Amor!” I shouted jubilantly. Yes, I knew something that made sense was in there somewhere.

“Ahhhh,” he replied, his face melting into satisfied comprehension.

“Las cosas del corazon,” he said, drawing out the last syllable.

“Si!” I exclaimed. That was exactly right. ‘Cosas’ meant things, ‘Corazon’ meant heart.

I wrote about “the things of the heart.”

After I passed through customs and emerged out into the hot sunny parking lot of the Santiago Airport, I started thinking about the difference between ‘things of the heart’ and the words we usually use to explain the same things.

In America, our “things of the heart’ terminology are the following:    love, relationships, sex, and dating. But do these really describe all the things that go on in our hearts? And does a tendency to ascribe to one of these four indicate that the other things that go on aren’t important?

I realized that the latter was correct: by generalizing into four terms,  other things, emotions, and thoughts related to our hearts are marginalized by ourselves and by society. Thus, people who can’t categorize their feelings or situation into one of these linguistic baths end up feeling bashful and unimportant.

But what’s interesting is that most people, particularly in New York where over half of the population is single aren’t in love, in relationships, having regular sex, or even dating. So does that mean that the emotions in their hearts don’t matter?

Not at all. But in order for those emotions, and for those people to gain an accepted place in society, we need to appreciate other things besides the four catch words. We need to bring words like hook-up, lust, guilt, shame, crush, same-sex partners, into the media and into the general conversation.

So heading towards this Valentine’s Day, don’t feel bad if you aren’t in a relationship, haven’t fallen in love, or don’t have a date.

Because it doesn’t mean that your heart is empty, it just means it’s busy with other things- with friendship, family, nostalgia, ambition, etc. Things that may not be spattered on the cover of Cosmo, but are nevertheless just as important.

Posted in NYC, Valentine's Day, advice, advice for women, dating, dating in marketing, fantasy love, friendship, holiday advice, media, self-love, sex, spirituality | 2 Comments »

Come Buy With Me, But Don’t You Dare Dump Me…

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010
No you didnt...

I'm taking the dog.. and lighting all those ugly ties on fire...

This week’s Sunday Times Real Estate section featured the article, “Come Buy with Me and Be My Love,” by Hilary Stout.   The article said that due to a terrific buyer’s market, a lot of couples who are ‘planning to get married’ are buying homes prior to saying their vows.

But although real estate is so cheap right now that even I want to buy (which isn’t even possible),  the smiles on the featured couples’ faces less filled me with congratulatory excitement than they did with overwhelming dread.

Because it may just be me, but buying a home, like an actual house and property, with someone you are “planning to get married to” sounds like a pretty terrible idea.

Why is that?

Because plans change.

And if, or when they do, both parties are going to be screwed in a bad way, economically and emotionally.

First of all, as the article points out, real estate laws are designed for married couples acquiring assets: the rules when it comes to plain old couples acquiring assets, even “planning to get married” ones (and even those who actually do down the road), don’t really exist. For example, Ms. Stout points out that the income tax break currently being offered by the government to first- time home buyers, which can be divided between a husband and wife, cannot be divided between aboyfriend and girlfriend acquiring the same assets.’

And how about emotional well-being?

Break-ups are hard enough as it is, but when you own something together, be it a couch, a stereo system, or a home, things get a lot more complicated (and I’m not even mentioning kids here). In a bad way.

My friend Rita was living with her boyfriend for the past year-and-a-half. College sweethearts, he moved across the country just to be with Rita (how romantic).

But as of November 2009, Rita wasn’t doing so hot.

Nothing persay happened, but she simply fell out of love, as people do. She no longer wanted to be sexual with her boyfriend and started to be attracted to other men. She also began to realize that her painting career- the reason she had come to NYC in the first place- had fallen on the back burner in respect of a more pressing day-to-day existence: being a dutiful girlfriend and roommate.

Rita came to me for counsel. Being as young as she is, and without the uber-complicating factors of shared property or children, I encouraged Rita to work on the relationship as much as she could, but if after a while, she knew in her heart that it wasn’t going to work, she should end things.

Rita really already knew this. But she was still filled with buts. On top of saying goodbye to her best friend, there was a lease to get out of, furniture to divide, the task of finding a new place to live, etc. And a myriad of other things to take care of in order to peace out of the relationship, stat.

Rita finally decided to leave her beau, but it wasn’t easy. She just moved into a new place this past weekend.

But if there are these many issues when the only physical property at stake are some kitchenware and a lease, can you imagine how hard it would be when a house is involved? And a tax break that only one of you received? And a mortgage that only one of you paid? Assets that can’t be split down the middle because the state, the government, doesn’t recognize your union, however much in love you were- they only recognize you as individuals. They don’t care who paid for what or who didn’t. Uh-oh.

Buying together becomes even more frightening when it comes to a couple who hasn’t even lived together yet. And yes, this does happen.

What if two days after the kitchen is done, you realize that the person you “planned to get married to,” you legitimately can’t stand. And the idea of being trapped in isolation with them outside of the city, (because, let’s be real here, most couples can’t afford to buy in Manhattan)- the city where you have always lived, close to friends and other sources of entertainment- makes you want to take a gun to your head and to theirs?

Then you are s*** out of luck.

So, as Miss Stout says, “Look Before You Leap.” Because the likelihood of one or the other of you breaking a leg, and not being able to walk for a long, long time, is more likely than the chance that you will be throwing a bouquet or hopping on your knee anytime soon. So, better yet, don’t leap at all. Focus on loving for right now and the leaping will come later.

Meezoog.com- Real people, real profiles, and real love…irf…relationships…

Posted in NYC, Stories, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, marriage, real estate, relationships | No Comments »

Top 8 Tips to Meet Someone by New Year’s

Monday, December 21st, 2009
Me and...Myself? Not this New Years...

Me and...Myself? Not this New Year's...

Volunteer: Whether it is at a soup kitchen, an animal shelter, or your local religious establishment, get on your Good Samaritan shoes and go help humanity. You are not only likely to meet someone, but you know it will be someone who cares about others. What more could you ask for?

Holiday party- hop: Take advantage of holiday parties to meet people outside of your social circle. And also use it as a chance to really talk to people who strike your interest- the advantage of holiday parties is that they carry a congenial air; even the shiest person is infused with that friendly holiday vibe. In addition, as everyone knows someone at the party, there is more than likely to be a party guest who can give you goods on that blue-eyed gentleman you’ve been eyeing all night.
Bonus tip: Bake something for the party, no matter what sex you are. “Food is the way to a man’s heart,” as the saying goes (and I would beg to add- a woman’s- there is nothing sexier than a man who cooks). “Who baked the amazing fudge brownies?” the party will twitter. You will stand out before you know it. Cha-ching!

Join a Christmas Caroling group: While spreading good cheer around the neighborhood and giving those vocal chords a workout, you might also score yourself a pretty brunette soprano or a handsome tenor.

Join a Meet-up group: – Meetup groups (www.meetup.com) exist for just about every interest, whether intellectual (ex. book discussions) or hobby-oriented (ex. climbing). Sign up for an event and instantly meet tons of people who share your passion.

Join a Dating Network: – The new and refined version of dating websites, dating networks (like Meezoog, for example), use sophisticated technology and real profiles in order to create a social circle around you that simulates the circle you create in real life- what does that mean? Your potential mates are people with similar backgrounds, similar friends, and similar interests- not bad, huh?

Go to a Charity Event or Non-Profit Fundraiser: On the mailing list for a non-profit or charity group that is constantly throwing galas and events to raise money for its do-gooding? Cough up the cash and sign up for one- not only are you contributing to a good cause in a time where non-profits are desperate for funding, but you are likely to meet someone of a similar social caliber (they paid too, didn’t they?) with a heart towards humanity as well.
Bonus Tip: Support the charity whose activities interest or inspire you the most- there will be people at the event who feel the same way as you, enabling an instantly deeper connection than with someone you meet randomly at a bar.

Get away for a few days: Have a few days off for the holidays but your parents have retired to Mumbai? Or maybe you just don’t celebrate Christmas? Use the time to get away for a few days. Do it with an organized group to meet the maximum number of people and to travel worry and hassle-free. Try clubgetaway.com.

Go Speed Dating: You’ve always wondered about it, now go do it! A lower risk commitment than a blind date, and more casual than typical singles events, speed dating offers a way to meet tons of singles of the opposite sex in less time than it takes you to finish your martini.
Bonus Tip: Bring a single friend for ultimate fun, and don’t count out the opportunity to meet potential business contacts as well as dates! Bring plenty of business cards.

Posted in NYC, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, dating, global dating, holiday advice, relationships, soulmates, technology | 2 Comments »

What is this world coming to?

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009

http://gawker.com/5427642/rachel-uchitel-inspires-little-girls-everywhere-to-be-one-step-up-from-a-hooker

All I have to say about this is one word: Yikes. How do we send the message to our children that prostitution is not a viable career?

And where in God-s name are our morals?

Also particularly upsetting is “Ask Ashley,” as in Eliot Spitzer’s former prostitute, a column in the New York Post where Ashley gives relationship and sex advice.

A few questions:
Are prostitutes normally in relationships?
Did they screen her for STD’s before giving her this job?
Did she graduate college? Or even go?
And finally, what is this world coming to?

Please, if anyone knows the answers to these questions, enlighten me and our readers.

Posted in NYC, advice, advice for women, celebrities, fantasy love, food for thought, media, money, sex | No Comments »

« Older Entries