Archive for the ‘Starters’ Category

Dating Coaching: Demystifying the Process

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010
Dating Coaching: Demystifying the Process
I’m about to start working with a private client, a man in his twenties. To many, the idea of being coached at “dating” is straight out of Hitched- socially awkward guys needing help from suave Will Smith in order to pick up girls.
However, just as Mr. Smith finds out in the film when he actually falls for someone, dating coaching is no longer about just picking up hot girls- and is no longer reserved for the socially awkward. Several of my male friends- who were also acclaimed characters in the book The Game- all left the pick-up community, finding that although it was fun, it was ultimately unfulfilling- that they wanted love and a sustainable relationship, not just a one-night stand. So even those men, the suavest pick-up artists in the world, needed some coaching to find what they really wanted- a sustainable relationship with someone amazing.
Because sustainable relationships create sustainable happiness.  And everyone wants to be happy, not just for a night or two, but for life.
So what is dating coaching about now? For my clients, it’s about self-exploration and consequent discovery- it’s about finding out how their behavior, past experiences, and emotional issues are keeping them from finding a sustainable relationship and happiness.
Once they are clued in to self-discovery, we embark on a quest to change those behaviors, patterns of thinking, and we come to terms with the past in order to feel comfortable- and confident- going forward into the world of women.
Then comes image- how are they presenting themselves? We work on dress, haircut, posture, eye contact, demeanor- all of the things that illustrate to a woman confidence and comfort with oneself.
After all, in an evolutionary sense, women are looking for providers and protectors- so although they seek sensitivity and emotional awareness as well- they ultimately want to know that a man could- and would- keep her safe and secure in a world of chaos and fluctuation. That’s why “nice guys” often lose out- because although they might be able to be in tune with a woman’s wants and needs, her most primary need is security, and they are unable to show that they can provide that right off of the bat.
Then we go through exercises to determine what kind of woman would really make the man happy. This involves going through priorities- what matters the most to a man in his “ideal” woman- talking about if those terms are realistic, and prioritizing the things that matter to him the most in a mate.
Often, men will have a list of “must haves” that is simply impossible to fulfill- no one, and I mean no one, will have every single qualification you have dreamed up in your hand as your shining bride. That’s why we have to pick those qualities, and qualifications, that really matter the most to him.
Then we embark into the “dating scene.“ I introduce my clients to the mechanisms that exist nowadays  to help romance ignite, explaining the pros and cons of each- from online dating to speed dating, to other sorts of activities that would put the client in contact with women who match the profile he has created for her.
These can include anything from twenties and thirties geared non-profit groups, to activity clubs, to classes, to events, etc. Then we evaluate which of those might contain the woman he is looking for, and we choose the one he is most comfortable embarking on to begin.  As he goes through that experience, I talk him through the process of whatever it is that he has chosen- how to integrate what he has learned into that real environment.
Sometimes this means going on-site with the client and literally coaching him through an event, fixing nervous or egregious behavior that has arisen and helping him to comprehend the scattered clues that most woman throw out upon first meeting them, waiting for the guy who can best pick them up and assemble them in the way that she expects.
And of course, just for fun and a little extra boost, I sometimes break out the stellar wing woman in me- using elementary tools of jealousy to make the client appear more attractive and desirable to other women, and also my knowledge of female psychology, in order to help my client open the conversation with the woman he finds appealing.
It’s not an easy or clean process- the men who really want to find an incredible woman must engage in this kind of self-discovery and image building in order to find her- and more importantly to keep her and satisfy her.
But again, finding this kind of relationship is what will make him happy for the long-term, and just as Will Smith deviated from being a clueless and emotionally insensitive- yet charming- fresh prince picking up babes on ABC, even he has morphed into this crucial process of struggle, self-discovery, and accomplishment, or rather, the pursuit of happiness.
The Expert in Seduction is so 1990s...

The "Expert en Seduction" is so 1990's...Au revoir, my friend

I’m about to start working with a private client, a successful and adorable man in his twenties. To many, the idea of being coached at “dating” is straight out of Hitched- socially awkward guys needing help from a suave pick-up artist in order to get hot girls.

However, just as Mr. Smith finds out in the film when he actually falls for someone- and his pick-up tools fail to impress her-, dating coaching is no longer about picking up hot girls- and is no longer reserved for the socially awkward. Several of my male friends- who were also acclaimed characters in the book The Game- all left the pick-up community, finding out that although it was fun, it was ultimately unfulfilling- that they wanted love and a sustainable relationship, not just a one-night stand. So even those masters in pick-up needed a new form of coaching, and this time, from a woman!

Because sustainable relationships create sustainable happiness.  And everyone wants to be happy, not just for a night or two, but for life.

So what is dating coaching about now? For my clients, it’s about self-exploration and consequent discovery; it’s about finding out how their behavior, past experiences, and emotional issues are keeping them from finding a sustainable relationship and happiness.

Once they are clued in to self-discovery, we embark on a quest to change those behaviors, patterns of thinking, and we come to terms with the past in order to feel comfortable- and confident- going forward into the world of women.

Then comes image- how are they presenting themselves? We work on dress, haircut, posture, eye contact, demeanor- all of the things that illustrate to a woman confidence and comfort with oneself.

After all, in an evolutionary sense, women are looking for providers and protectors- so although they seek sensitivity and emotional awareness as well- image and first impressions matter to her. Women ultimately want to know that a man could- and would- keep her safe and secure in a world of chaos and fluctuation. That’s why “nice guys” often lose out to alpha males:  although nice guys might be able to be in tune with a woman’s wants and needs, her most primary need is security, and many “nice guys” lack the image that illustrates confidence and this primary ability to protect and provide, while alpha males give that impression off right off the bat.

Then we go through exercises to determine what kind of woman would really make the man happy. This involves going through priorities- what matters the most to a man in his “ideal” woman- talking about if those terms are realistic, and prioritizing the things that matter to him the most in a mate. That way, he can understand that even if he finds a woman with only his top five “qualifications,” he is still a lucky guy and he should focus on what she has that he likes, as opposed to what she doesn’t have, or qualities that he dislikes.

Often, men will have a list of “must haves” which is simply impossible to fulfill- no one, and I mean no one, will have every single qualification you have dreamed up  to be present in your shining bride. That’s why a man has to choose the qualities  that are the most important to him.

Then we embark into the “dating scene.“ I introduce my clients to the mechanisms that exist nowadays  to help romance ignite, explaining the pros and cons of each: from online dating, likeMeezoog, to speed dating, to other sorts of activities that would put the client in contact with women who match the profile he has created for her.

These can include anything from twenties and thirties geared non-profit groups, to activity clubs, to classes, to events, etc. Then we evaluate which of those might contain the woman he is looking for, and we choose the one he is most comfortable embarking on to begin.  As he goes through that experience, I talk him through the process of whatever it is that he has chosen- how to integrate what he has learned into a real environment.

Sometimes this means going on-site with the client and literally coaching him through an event, fixing nervous or egregious behavior that has arisen and helping him to comprehend the scattered clues that most woman throw out upon first meeting a man, waiting for the guy who can best pick them up and assemble them in the way that she wants and expects.

And of course, just for fun and a little extra boost, I sometimes break out the stellar wing woman in me, using elementary tools of jealousy to make the client appear more attractive and desirable to other women, as well as utilizing my knowledge of female psychology to help my client open a conversation with the woman he finds appealing.

It’s not an easy or clean process, however the men who really want to find an incredible woman must engage in this kind of self-discovery and image building in order to succeed, and more importantly to satisfy this woman and to keep her.

But again, finding this kind of relationship is what will make the man happy for the long-term.

And this is the shift that has happened since the 90’s in the dating sphere: America’s preference has deviated from the charming and clueless ‘Fresh Prince’ to the man who struggles and goes the extra mile in order to find happiness. Hello Oscar.

Try Meezoog now to find your soulmate.

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Posted in Break-Ups, Coaching, NYC, Starters, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, facebook, fantasy love, food for thought, global dating, money, music, online dating, relationships, self-love, sex, social anthropology, soulmates, spirituality, technology, weddings | 3 Comments »

Best dates = Booze-free

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

A comment was posted on one of my earlier blogs regarding the use of alcohol as a confidence booster on a date. Anything like this I may have said was probably along the lines of “If you are so nervous that you are about to choke on your soup and cause a scene straight out of Mrs. Doubtfire, better to have a glass of wine than to get the Heimlich maneuver from your waiter, or worse, your date.”

But let’s take this opportunity to talk about alcohol consumption and dating. Because as behavior is affected, and in some cases, our personalities, by the consumption of alcohol, it is important to talk about it as a legitimate ingredient in the dating recipe.

Drinking too much on a date, or out, can be catastrophic for either sex. This is why it is important to constantly be aware of, and monitor, your alcohol intake.

First of all, one glass of wine does not equal an entire bottle. Don’t let nerves carry you into gulping down your beverages like a frat boy doing a keg stand at Harvard-Yale, because you will be drunk before you can say, “Boo.” And once you can’t see straight, you can’t see straight.

Watching alcohol intake is particularly poignant for women, who are affected by alcohol faster and more potently than men. Particularly if one is drinking on an empty stomach, the gracious lady in the pencil skirt and Gucci heels may be tripping over a chair on her way to the restroom before she knows it. So ladies, even if your date is still drinking, once you know that you have had enough, say “Caput.” If you feel awkward without a drink in your hand, ask for a water or a seltzer with lime. Whatever you do, do not try to match the alcohol intake of your date. Remember, he could weigh twice as much as you, which means he can consume twice as much.

Even if you are not drinking on an empty stomach, say a dinner date perhaps, it is still important to watch alcohol intake. Because let’s face it, how much do women really eat on dates anyway? Two bites, maybe three? This does not actually constitute putting food in your stomach, and it will not temper the effects of a significant amount of alcohol.

And in respect to a woman’s acute alcohol sensitivity, I advise men to be clear to a woman about whether she should be expecting dinner or just drinks.

There is nothing worse than taking a woman out who is expecting dinner (and therefore, hasn’t eaten), and then just ordering drinks. She will be unpleasantly inebriated within an hour, and may even end up falling asleep on the table on the hour and a half mark. And don’t ask a girl on a drink date, if you are trying to assess whether to take her to dinner from drinks, “Have you eaten?“ unless you preface it with, “I’m starved, have you eaten?“ Because even if she is hungry, a girl will never say yes to the first question, not wanting to put you in an awkward position. But also don’t take a woman out to eat if you have already eaten- she won’t be comfortable ordering and eating alone while you sit there across the table foodless, regardless of whether or not you plan on picking up the bill.

If you don’t want to take a girl for a formal dinner, try a tapas bar or a dessert date: both casual replacements for a dinner that won’t center the night around drinking, which as we said, can be catastrophic.

Why is that? For both sexes, drinking excessively on a date may cause you to say or do things that under normal circumstances, you never would. And most of the time these things are not advantageous to you or the potential relationship on the table.

This may be hard to remember while you are sipping down one yummy martini after the next, but it is quite easy to comprehend when your phone never again receives a call or text (ok, or bbm) from that person. Could it be because you drank too much and ended up rambling on and on about your ex for the entire night? Or the threesomes you had on college spring break in Mexico? With two locals? If you are thinking, Yikes!, right about now, you are one hundred percent on target.

Alcohol can also cause two people to become sexual before it is good for their relationship, setting up a sexual standard for the rest of their dating relationship (if there is one), that is nearly impossible to change.

So rather than making a date drink-centric, save your face and your wallet by taking her out on a date that is booze-free.

Women love plays, and movies, and mini-golf, and concerts, comedy shows and gallery openings- some may even like Yankees games, if you are lucky (and not from Boston)- and he list goes on and on, particularly in New York.

Taking a woman on an alcohol-free date shows her that you are confident about yourself sans alcohol, and that you are actually trying to get to know her (and not trying to get her into bed). These types of dates, which require more thinking, also indicate to a woman that you are cultured, well-rounded, and resourceful.

Need ideas? Three of the nicest dates that I have been on have been: a) a ghost tour of Boston, b) sharing a chocolate ice cream waffle at Max Brenner’s (although the guy did turn out to be a jerk), c) grilling smores at an Asian barbeque restaurant, d) holding hands at a Feist concert.

So stop drinking and get thinking! Your dating life, and your dates, will thank you.

Posted in NYC, Starters, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, dating, drinking, economy, relationships | 1 Comment »

Girl to Guy Starters: Welcome to the twenty-first century

Monday, August 10th, 2009

Some girls say they would rather have the guy approach them. “Let him do the work,“ they say.

This is a good idea sometimes. If you notice a guy notice you, you should definitely wait to see if he does something about it. He may indeed approach you, depending on his confidence level and how much he has drank that night. The most important thing I can say to a girl in this situation is just to pay attention: you don’t need a friend to tell you if he’s looking, you will be able to tell through your natural people perception skills. If you make it clear that you notice him too, through a smile, a look, or even a wave indicating him to come over and join your circle (I watched my friend Alexa do this last night, and the guy was on cloud nine), by all rules of the dating game, he should approach.

However, if you do see a cute guy who hasn’t noticed you: perhaps he is surrounded by friends, or engaged in one of those really stupid deer hunting games at the bar, there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to approach him. Keep the mindset that you are approaching him in a friendly, non-confrontational manner- then if he doesn’t seem to be interested in you romantically, you guys can still chat and you don’t have to walk away feeling totally rejected.

Why is it necessary to be able to do this?, a girl may ask. Shouldn’t the man just approach the woman? This depends on you as a person. If you are simply completely uncomfortable and could never dream of approaching a guy, don’t do it. But if you have also whined at least once in the past week about being lonely and needing a guy, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t be proactive about it. Think about it this way: if you go out knowing that you have the power to approach a guy just as much as he has the power to approach you, you double your chances of meeting someone that night. In addition, you dramatically raise the chance of meeting someone you are actually interested in: after all, you chose him. A lot of the guys who have no problem hitting on you can also tend to be players, whereas the guys who need a little prompting and who aren’t all over ten different girls at the bar within the first five minutes might actually be (hold your breath ladies…nice).

I have dated two guys seriously who I said hello to at bars, and they were both wonderful, sweet guys, who also happened to be Ivy grad alums. You will be amazed how well you can pick out guys who end up being your type all-around.

Also, you can avoid that awful thing called the waiting game. Waiting sucks. Really really sucks. And isn’t kindly rewarded in big cities where everything and everyone are constantly on the move. Particularly in New York, good things are gotten by those who go get them!

Wait, you say. “Don’t good things come to those who wait?” Well, not really. As good old Abe Lincoln said, specifying why the former proverb doesn‘t really hold true, “Good things may come to those who wait…but only the things left by those who hustle.” Oh, Abe. Spot on as usual.

So you heard him, girl. Go get him.

Tactics:

Bar- Eavesdrop, then get involved in a non-intrusive way. Ie, if him and his friend are talking about the Yankee game this past weekend, and you happen to be a Yankees fan, work your way into the conversation, like “Oh my god, wasn’t that an amazing game?” (please actually know what game you are talking about here) or if you hear them talking about where they work, what college they went to, where they live, chances are if you don’t work there/went there/live there, a friend of yours does/did. And this friend can become a good friend for the purpose of this starter. “Oh, you guys live on the lower east? My best friend Bobby lives on Ludlow. I love it down there. Where do you live?” Look for common ground. To reiterate, it doesn’t matter what you say: if the guy is interested he will take your starter, be it as it be, as an invitation to keep talking to you.

Online- Short and sweet. If he has a picture of him in some foreign country, ask where he was in that picture. If he’s wearing cool sunglasses, “nice shades,” will do. Do not tell him your life story. Leave him wanting more. Oh, and if you have the capacity to message a guy, do not send him a wink, or a flirt, or a hickie (although that would be pretty great, wouldn’t it). Take the time to think of something clever, and write him a creative, thought out message.

Just be confident, smile, and have fun. This is dating, not a quest for world peace.

Want to figure out starters for more situations/ still feeling nervous about making the first move? Email me/make a comment, and we will work it out together.

Your loyal columnist and content manager,
Samantha
samantha@meezoog.com

(Be proactive now at meezoog.com!)

Posted in Starters, advice for women | No Comments »

Starters for GUYS

Monday, July 27th, 2009

At the Bar

The hands down best pick-up line at a bar, agreed upon by pretty much all women except the Mormons (and even they would like to be asked) is “Can I get you a drink?”

Girls do not want to buy their own drinks. They want a boy to buy them a drink. Call this chivalry, call this whatever you want, I call it fact. Even if you don’t use this as your opener, make it happen shortly. The bottom line is if you don’t offer to buy a girl a drink within the first five minutes of talking to her, she will start to make eye contact with her friends, signaling to them “this guy is a loser, get me out of here.”

You say, “Well, what if I buy her a drink and then she ends up not being interested? Or worse, walks away? Then I’ve just wasted $7!” First of all, a girl who walks away immediately after you buy her a drink has zero manners and even less social skills. Thank god she walked away because you wouldn’t want to talk to her anyway. At least now you know and you can stop fantasizing.

Also, if the girl isn’t interested in you but is a cool girl, she’ll stick around to talk to you for at least a little while. And just because you are in a bar doesn’t mean that there isn’t networking potential. You could end up being in the same industry and be a resource to one another. And you never know, her friend might emerge from the bathroom two minutes later- and turn out to be your soul mate.

And then there is the ideal situation- You buy her a drink, she ends up being the girl of your dreams, and you have already started one step ahead of the game because she thinks you are a gentleman. Then your seven dollars was well worth it.

Also, hate to be crass girls, but if you are a guy just out looking to get some- you pretty much quadruple your chances of anything happening by getting the girl intoxicated.

Online-

Facebook – You friend her. If you have a friend in common: Use the friend when you send your message that accompanies the friend request- “Hey, how do you know so and so? We went to summer camp together. Did you go to Camp Okinawa too?” She will then look at your profile and decide whether she likes your profile and picture enough to respond back to you. She’ll know that you are hitting on her, but if you do it in a friendly way and she likes you on paper, she will play along. If she does, then you are in- you can handle it from there.

If you have no friends in common: this is tough, because you can easily look like a face book stalker. Not kosher. So here, casual and as uncreepy as possible is key.

Something as simple as “Hey, how’s it going?” is just fine. Or, “I see you went to Northwestern- I’m from Chicago- how did you like it?” Again, she will evaluate and respond accordingly.

Oh, and if you are going to hit on a girl on face book, for the love of god remove the pictures of you doing keg stands- you want to look fun, but not like a complete frat boy.

Online Dating Website: Here, you have access to her entire profile before you message her. You can make up at least a thousand funny quips from one profile. Therefore, a simple opener is less effective, because you have the resources to say something much more clever. Yes, it may be convenient to use a “Hey, what’s up?” in this situation, or send her a flirt or a poke, but you will not stand out this way- you will blend into the thousand other boring uncreative guys online dating who “like music and spending time with their family.” Find a way to make your message stand out: “You went on a safari? That’s pretty awesome. See any crazy snakes/something cool and African?” Show in your message that you have actually taken the time to read her profile.

The subject line should also be creative, and match whatever you are saying in your message. Whatever you do, do not let your subject line read “Hey.” Every single guy uses “Hey.” Be specific. A much more effective subject line says “African Safaris,” or “Blueberry waffles,” or ANYTHING besides “hey.”

My friend Bill said to me the other day, “Guys fall in love with what they see, girls fall in love with what they hear.” You may be able to land a girl who would be typically out of your league if you impress her with your linguistic agility. Oh, and humor is always a plus.

Also, keep the girls straight that you are messaging- You do not want to tell a girl how much you like California girls when oops, she is from Rhode Island. California girl was the last girl you were looking at.

And in any venue in which you are messaging or posting a profile that is visible to potential mates, spell check! Your intelligence is being determined through your spelling and grammar. So if you are not going to spell check, don’t even waste your time.

And one untraditional place:

The Grocery Store

Is she reaching for a box? Starting the conversation can be as simple as, “Hey, can I help you get that?” Or, you ask the girl for your input on your choice of yogurt. “Hey have you ever had Greek Yogurt before? Is it any good?” If she smiles and launches into a greek yogurt story, you’re in. Then go in for the kill.

*RECESSION SPECIAL* for BAR starters

Recession friendly ways to buy a girl drinks

Go to a place that has an open bar (which do exist for free due to promotions, events, etc., see myopenbar.com) or an open bar for like ten dollars (which you know you are going to drink anyway). This way, you can ask the girl if you can get her a drink without actually spending any money on her- it’s already paid for with the open bar. Even if she is aware that you have an open bar bracelet, just the act of going up, waiting for the bartender, ordering her drink, and bringing it to her is appreciated by your potential mate.

Find out what the drink special is. Most places, especially during happy hour, will have 3 dollar bud lights or 5 dollar margaritas. Because you can’t tell a girl to get the drink special, once you spot the girl you want to talk to, go up to the bar, buy two of whatever the drink special is and then not only have you bought her a cheap drink, you also have your opener. “Hey, somehow I ended up with an extra vodka tonic. Would you like one?” Even if she was craving a cranberry vodka, she will take what you offer her. Trust me. Unless she’s really anal, which means she just sucks.

Whatever you do, do not be the asshole standing there with two beers in his hand (because you stocked up or something), and then open a conversation with a girl who isn’t holding a drink without offering her one of yours. Not ok.

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Posted in Starters, advice for guys | 2 Comments »

Starters: The New Pick-Up Lines

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

Every book on dating says that single people, whether girl, guy, or andron (ok, maybe that’s not a person), needs to be equipped with, as we call them, “pick up lines.” As I think that the term pickup line has negative, and particularly ridiculous connotations, (refer to following- “excuse me, are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night…”-if you use this line for any other than comedic purposes, you need to leave right now), I propose that we refer to the new pick-up lines of our generation as “conversation starters,” or, for short, just “starters.”

As the people around us are slowly fired, getting a job, which has never been easy, is becoming practically impossible. Craigslist and idealist and ivegotajobforyou.com each get thousands of applications a day. Even coming straight out of a prestigious grad school, once a guaranteed job ticket, doesn’t guarantee jack- shit.

How to get a job? Network, network, network. When you are at an event, look out for every single prospect that could help your career as you would if you were scoping out the bar for a mate. So thus the pick-up line, or rather the starter, once the treasured property of only the singles market, has become a necessary accoutrement for all.

Luckily, most of the people reading this blog are not stupid. You have all that it takes to start a conversation; you just need to learn how to use it. Once you do, you will be set. Hot guy, beautiful girl, amazing job working for the Obama administration, yup, they will all be yours.

Starters can be used whether you are networking/ trying to talk to the Pulitzer-Prize winning author at your alumni event (note: I was seated next to the Pulitzer Prize winning author at my alumnus event purely for my conversation starting ability), or trying to talk to someone of the opposite sex at a bar or at Duane Reade. You may even find that there is crossover between these two categories, i.e. guy with the great body standing at the buffet at your CLS event might also be a first year at Paul Weiss (where you desperately want to work). These situations are “crossover” situations, and can be handled with customized starters.

Starters require a certain amount of creativity, but can also be gleaned through paying attention to what you say.

A particularly brilliant moment of mine occurred at my sister’s graduation from Columbia Law School. Actually, it really wasn’t brilliance; it was a mistake that turned into brilliance. Like penicillin.

I was standing in the bleachers in my cream billowy sundress, when I saw a guy with dark hair, an amazing butt, and a blue-collared shirt watching the graduation from the grass. I thought to myself, oh my gosh, that has to be that guy that I met working on the Obama campaign, who I thought was gorgeous but never connected with afterwards. After contemplating for about ten minutes whether that was actually the butt I thought it was, and battling  with my nerves and my analysis that the reason I was still contemplating walking up to him was actually just because I was too scared to talk to him,  I walked myself down the bleachers and towards where he was standing. Lingering next to him for a brief second, I then tapped him on the arm. “Excuse me,” I said, “but did you work on the Obama campaign?”

He turned to me and put his sunglasses on his head. He was thirty-five. At least. Ooops, I thought. I’m an idiot. In an accent heavy with Greece, he said politely to me, “No, I’m sorry. It is not me you are looking for.” And that’s when I saw his wife walking towards us, claws out. Double oops.

As I walked away from him, blushing, I realized, Jesus, that Obama question is a great conversation starter. An especially great conversation starter when you are wandering around an Ivy League law school graduation. Or anywhere else that alumni from top schools are present.

I now have my contextualized starter for these types of events.

The most crucial factor when launching your starter is attitude. Ultimately, it is not what you say; it is how you say it. Remember your starter is meant to begin the conversation, it is not the conversation. It is relatively likely that the receiver may not even hear the starter, but will notice the body language and attitude that support it.

Specific attitudinal cues to keep in mind when starting a conversation:

Straightforwardness- People are much more likely to respond if you are straightforward; this indicates confidence; confidence is attractive.

Being genuine- Are you genuinely interested in this person? Then show it! As you move into the conversation, be genuine. Make comments directly related to what interests you about the person (please, not her boobs), or about the environment or situation.

Being genuine makes you sound a lot more intelligent, because you are actually saying things that you believe or interest you. That’s where passion comes in (the job interview must). Also, the conversation then has the capacity to turn towards something you are knowledgeable about, leaving you the ability to speak eloquently with your conversation partner. Talk about good first impressions.

Nonchalance- Ok, speaking of acting interested, be interested, but not overbearing. Ease, comfort, and nonchalance are the name of the game. Even if you are talking to the most gorgeous/intelligent person you’ve ever met in your life, resist the urge to be on top of them. People in America are weird about personal space. They don’t want you in theirs unless they invite you in, either with their body language or speech.

Humor- Humor is great for giving off the nonchalant vibe. Also, if you make a funny comment about the situation, “Wow, doesn’t that guy look exactly like Homer Simpson?” then besides setting a casual tone, it also shows that you are funny. Girls like funny guys. And funny girls are just awesome. So work it.

Persistence – Boys who will not leave a girl alone: this does not mean stalk someone until you get their attention. For the love of God, please don’t do that.

But, you may not get a person’s attention on your first try because they don’t hear you, or aren’t even sure you are talking to them. Particularly if you are at the gym and someone has an IPOD on, or you are at a busy cocktail hour with a band playing, you may have to be a little more overt with your starter.

Physicality- Physicality can be a great way to get someone’s attention in this type of situation.

Physical placement can get you inside the target’s radar. If they are talking to someone, and there is a space where you could stand that physically gets you into their circle, it is then much easier to conversation start. They will notice you in their physical space, may make eye-contact with you, and might even save you the trouble of starting the conversation by starting it themselves. You also can potentially start the conversation with the people surrounding them who you find less intimidating, eventually you will end up speaking with your target. Also, joining their physical circle indicates to them that you are confident and purposeful. Just by seeing you in their circle, they will reach the conclusion that you have a right to/ reason to be there, and this will help ease the discomfort (for both of you) of initially starting that conversation.

Booze- A glass of wine or a Sam Adams also definitely helps. But beware of tequila pre-conversation starting.  Opportunities to sound eloquent incrementally decrease with each shot of Cuervo (yes, and even Patron).

Once you have launched your starter, pay attention to their attitude and body language. If you do, you will be able to tell very quickly if you are receiving a positive response. Within the first ten seconds, you will see if the person is interested in speaking to you or not. Also, for you singles out there, if you have chemistry with the person, that will instantly manifest itself as well.

Next week: Starters for the Guy: How to get a girl’s interest in five seconds or less

Samantha would like to invite you to send your favorite starters to Samantha@meezoog.com. Please indicate where you have used this starter and whether it works or not. Please, do not use them on her. Although this could be entertaining.

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