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Dating Coaching: Demystifying the Process

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010
Dating Coaching: Demystifying the Process
I’m about to start working with a private client, a man in his twenties. To many, the idea of being coached at “dating” is straight out of Hitched- socially awkward guys needing help from suave Will Smith in order to pick up girls.
However, just as Mr. Smith finds out in the film when he actually falls for someone, dating coaching is no longer about just picking up hot girls- and is no longer reserved for the socially awkward. Several of my male friends- who were also acclaimed characters in the book The Game- all left the pick-up community, finding that although it was fun, it was ultimately unfulfilling- that they wanted love and a sustainable relationship, not just a one-night stand. So even those men, the suavest pick-up artists in the world, needed some coaching to find what they really wanted- a sustainable relationship with someone amazing.
Because sustainable relationships create sustainable happiness.  And everyone wants to be happy, not just for a night or two, but for life.
So what is dating coaching about now? For my clients, it’s about self-exploration and consequent discovery- it’s about finding out how their behavior, past experiences, and emotional issues are keeping them from finding a sustainable relationship and happiness.
Once they are clued in to self-discovery, we embark on a quest to change those behaviors, patterns of thinking, and we come to terms with the past in order to feel comfortable- and confident- going forward into the world of women.
Then comes image- how are they presenting themselves? We work on dress, haircut, posture, eye contact, demeanor- all of the things that illustrate to a woman confidence and comfort with oneself.
After all, in an evolutionary sense, women are looking for providers and protectors- so although they seek sensitivity and emotional awareness as well- they ultimately want to know that a man could- and would- keep her safe and secure in a world of chaos and fluctuation. That’s why “nice guys” often lose out- because although they might be able to be in tune with a woman’s wants and needs, her most primary need is security, and they are unable to show that they can provide that right off of the bat.
Then we go through exercises to determine what kind of woman would really make the man happy. This involves going through priorities- what matters the most to a man in his “ideal” woman- talking about if those terms are realistic, and prioritizing the things that matter to him the most in a mate.
Often, men will have a list of “must haves” that is simply impossible to fulfill- no one, and I mean no one, will have every single qualification you have dreamed up in your hand as your shining bride. That’s why we have to pick those qualities, and qualifications, that really matter the most to him.
Then we embark into the “dating scene.“ I introduce my clients to the mechanisms that exist nowadays  to help romance ignite, explaining the pros and cons of each- from online dating to speed dating, to other sorts of activities that would put the client in contact with women who match the profile he has created for her.
These can include anything from twenties and thirties geared non-profit groups, to activity clubs, to classes, to events, etc. Then we evaluate which of those might contain the woman he is looking for, and we choose the one he is most comfortable embarking on to begin.  As he goes through that experience, I talk him through the process of whatever it is that he has chosen- how to integrate what he has learned into that real environment.
Sometimes this means going on-site with the client and literally coaching him through an event, fixing nervous or egregious behavior that has arisen and helping him to comprehend the scattered clues that most woman throw out upon first meeting them, waiting for the guy who can best pick them up and assemble them in the way that she expects.
And of course, just for fun and a little extra boost, I sometimes break out the stellar wing woman in me- using elementary tools of jealousy to make the client appear more attractive and desirable to other women, and also my knowledge of female psychology, in order to help my client open the conversation with the woman he finds appealing.
It’s not an easy or clean process- the men who really want to find an incredible woman must engage in this kind of self-discovery and image building in order to find her- and more importantly to keep her and satisfy her.
But again, finding this kind of relationship is what will make him happy for the long-term, and just as Will Smith deviated from being a clueless and emotionally insensitive- yet charming- fresh prince picking up babes on ABC, even he has morphed into this crucial process of struggle, self-discovery, and accomplishment, or rather, the pursuit of happiness.
The Expert in Seduction is so 1990s...

The "Expert en Seduction" is so 1990's...Au revoir, my friend

I’m about to start working with a private client, a successful and adorable man in his twenties. To many, the idea of being coached at “dating” is straight out of Hitched- socially awkward guys needing help from a suave pick-up artist in order to get hot girls.

However, just as Mr. Smith finds out in the film when he actually falls for someone- and his pick-up tools fail to impress her-, dating coaching is no longer about picking up hot girls- and is no longer reserved for the socially awkward. Several of my male friends- who were also acclaimed characters in the book The Game- all left the pick-up community, finding out that although it was fun, it was ultimately unfulfilling- that they wanted love and a sustainable relationship, not just a one-night stand. So even those masters in pick-up needed a new form of coaching, and this time, from a woman!

Because sustainable relationships create sustainable happiness.  And everyone wants to be happy, not just for a night or two, but for life.

So what is dating coaching about now? For my clients, it’s about self-exploration and consequent discovery; it’s about finding out how their behavior, past experiences, and emotional issues are keeping them from finding a sustainable relationship and happiness.

Once they are clued in to self-discovery, we embark on a quest to change those behaviors, patterns of thinking, and we come to terms with the past in order to feel comfortable- and confident- going forward into the world of women.

Then comes image- how are they presenting themselves? We work on dress, haircut, posture, eye contact, demeanor- all of the things that illustrate to a woman confidence and comfort with oneself.

After all, in an evolutionary sense, women are looking for providers and protectors- so although they seek sensitivity and emotional awareness as well- image and first impressions matter to her. Women ultimately want to know that a man could- and would- keep her safe and secure in a world of chaos and fluctuation. That’s why “nice guys” often lose out to alpha males:  although nice guys might be able to be in tune with a woman’s wants and needs, her most primary need is security, and many “nice guys” lack the image that illustrates confidence and this primary ability to protect and provide, while alpha males give that impression off right off the bat.

Then we go through exercises to determine what kind of woman would really make the man happy. This involves going through priorities- what matters the most to a man in his “ideal” woman- talking about if those terms are realistic, and prioritizing the things that matter to him the most in a mate. That way, he can understand that even if he finds a woman with only his top five “qualifications,” he is still a lucky guy and he should focus on what she has that he likes, as opposed to what she doesn’t have, or qualities that he dislikes.

Often, men will have a list of “must haves” which is simply impossible to fulfill- no one, and I mean no one, will have every single qualification you have dreamed up  to be present in your shining bride. That’s why a man has to choose the qualities  that are the most important to him.

Then we embark into the “dating scene.“ I introduce my clients to the mechanisms that exist nowadays  to help romance ignite, explaining the pros and cons of each: from online dating, likeMeezoog, to speed dating, to other sorts of activities that would put the client in contact with women who match the profile he has created for her.

These can include anything from twenties and thirties geared non-profit groups, to activity clubs, to classes, to events, etc. Then we evaluate which of those might contain the woman he is looking for, and we choose the one he is most comfortable embarking on to begin.  As he goes through that experience, I talk him through the process of whatever it is that he has chosen- how to integrate what he has learned into a real environment.

Sometimes this means going on-site with the client and literally coaching him through an event, fixing nervous or egregious behavior that has arisen and helping him to comprehend the scattered clues that most woman throw out upon first meeting a man, waiting for the guy who can best pick them up and assemble them in the way that she wants and expects.

And of course, just for fun and a little extra boost, I sometimes break out the stellar wing woman in me, using elementary tools of jealousy to make the client appear more attractive and desirable to other women, as well as utilizing my knowledge of female psychology to help my client open a conversation with the woman he finds appealing.

It’s not an easy or clean process, however the men who really want to find an incredible woman must engage in this kind of self-discovery and image building in order to succeed, and more importantly to satisfy this woman and to keep her.

But again, finding this kind of relationship is what will make the man happy for the long-term.

And this is the shift that has happened since the 90’s in the dating sphere: America’s preference has deviated from the charming and clueless ‘Fresh Prince’ to the man who struggles and goes the extra mile in order to find happiness. Hello Oscar.

Try Meezoog now to find your soulmate.

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Posted in Break-Ups, Coaching, NYC, Starters, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, facebook, fantasy love, food for thought, global dating, money, music, online dating, relationships, self-love, sex, social anthropology, soulmates, spirituality, technology, weddings | 3 Comments »

Distance: A maker or a breaker?

Monday, March 15th, 2010

Doing anything long distance sucks. Long distance phone calls = expensive. Trying to negotiate a return on your mac from a guy in India= awful. Understanding Iraqi culture and mentality from American soil= catastrophic.

Long distance relationships fall right into that category. However, sometimes a little bit of distance is a good thing…

*****

Kelley came into the bar alone, wearing the requisite midtown suit and tie, glasses, and that weary look on his face that says: Give me a cold beer immediately.

As I am the bartender, I obliged him with a cold glass of Sam Adams and asked him where he was from. “Chicago,” he said, with a warm and trusting smile that was definitely more from the  MidWest than New York. “I’m here on work,” he continued.

I smiled back. I wondered if he had a wife back home in Chicago. I looked at his ring finger- Yup.

As I washed a pint glass to prepare for the next customer, I thought to myself, that must be hard, leaving your spouse all the time.

When the bar started to clear out and I had some time to talk to him further, I struck up a conversation with Kelley.

“So what’s it like?” I asked, as casually as possible. “Is traveling for work hard?”

Kelley explained that he only had to work two days out of the week in New York, the rest he spent at home in Chicago.

“Do you have kids?” I asked.

“Yes,” he responsed. “Three- thirteen, seventeen, and twenty. It was hard when my kids were little,” he said, as if reading my mind,” but now that they’re older it has gotten a lot better. And technology has made it so much easier!” he exclaimed.

“Like my thirteen year old daughter chats with me on Facebook- it makes it easier just to know that she’s there,” he said.

I thought back to when I was a little girl and my dad didn’t even have a cell phone- just a beeper. A doctor frequently on call, he would have to run to a pay phone everytime his beeper beeped with a new number and patient.

“But I have to say, there is a good part about being away,” he said. “It makes you appreciate your family so much more. Every moment I have with them I treasure.”

I thought back to my childhood again, of my dad running to the golf course to escape for a little while from the intensity of four girls plus my mother. I guess everyone needs a little time apart.

In the Orthodox Jewish faith, when a woman is in menstruation, the man and woman are required to sleep in separate beds for the duration of her period.

Just having become friendly with a married Orthodox couple who are  my age- and amazingly cool- I asked them if they do that.

“Yes,” Rivvie told me.

“Does it make you want each other more once it’s over?” I asked.

At this point, Rivvie and her husband Rob both nodded at me enthusiastically.

“Yes,” Rob responded. “Being apart for that week, though it’s hard, makes you want each other so much more.”

“It’s like being newlyweds all over again,” he said. I looked at them, together. They were so in love.

The rule of sleeping in separate beds made me think of all of those articles like “What to do when your sex life gets stale,” and “How to add some spice in the bedroom.” Well, this tradition seemed like a pretty basic way to do that me, without having to buy some fancy contraption or suffocate your spouse. There is nothing like a little time apart, and a little physical space, to make you and your body realize how much you want-and need- your significant other beside you.

But don’t go crazy. A large part of a successful relationship is physical intimacy, which can only be achieved when you are together. Emotionally intimacy- and truly getting to know one another, also pinpoints of a successful relationship,  are also difficult without someone’s physical presence.

I guess it’s like everything else in life: true success and happiness come with the right balance.

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Posted in Break-Ups, NYC, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, facebook, food for thought, global dating, media, sex, technology | 1 Comment »

The Meaning of Titles On and Off of Facebook

Monday, February 8th, 2010
Well, I am just about to be interviewed on this very topic. And found this a very enlightening blog.
Here’s what I think-
Women care more about “status” whether it’s in the real-world or on facebook.
Just like a girl will pester a guy about putting their relationship up on facebook, she will also pester him about the girlfriend label. I’ve done it.
There’s something about having the title “girlfriend” that makes us girls feel secure. We can breathe deeply, stop man-hunting, and relish the security of the words boyfriend and girlfriend. To us, when you are our boyfriend, it means there are certain responsibilities you have to fulfill- returning our calls, making us feel better when we are sad, making an effort to spend time with us, coming to family stuff, etc.
Even if you might do these things when you are not “official,” there is still not that security- the girl is always thinking, What if? What if the phone call he didn’t return means he doesn’t like me anymore? Or the text, or email, or bbm? What if when he didn’t call me on Friday night he was hooking up with another girl? What if
So my advice- if you are willing to acknowledge the girl as your girlfriend in real life, then that means you care about her, and caring about her means caring about the things that she cares about, which obviously includes your facebook status. So just do it.
Ian, your idea, while it initially had appeal to me, ultimately won’t pan out- Because girls care so much about what other people think, if her friend Suzy is on her facebook profile page in the cubicle next to her and she sees that on Suzy’s network, your profile just says “in a relationship” and not “In a relationship with so-and-so,” you are in trouble. Like, a lot of trouble.

I just read a facebook discussion board about facebook relationship statuses. After taking into consideration the guy’s view on things (read this to find out) here is the girl’s perspective. And ladies, as always, please correct me if I am wrong.

Women care more about “status” whether it’s in the real-world or on facebook. Historically, women have been defined by men. Although that’s not completely true anymore, it still is to a large degree. And we are also particularly concerned with what others think of us- especially women. And to be involved with someone but not have an official status (mistress doesn’t count), is looked upon by a lot of women as “classless, slutty,” etc., while men don’t have to go through such shaming because bachelorhood is accepted by society, whereas the life of a single woman, let’s call it bachelorettehood, or better yet, babehood, is not. 

Just like a girl will pester a guy about putting their relationship up on facebook, she will also pester him about getting the label girlfriend in real life. I’ve done it.


There’s something about having the title “girlfriend” that makes us girls feel secure. We can breathe deeply, stop man-hunting, and relish the security of the words boyfriend and girlfriend. To us, when you are our boyfriend, it means there are certain responsibilities you have to fulfill- returning our calls, making us feel better when we are sad, making an effort to spend time with us, coming to family stuff, fulfilling our sex drives, etc. And we can let our nurturing selves thrive without feeling like at any moment you might drop us like a piece of candy onto the sidewalk, unwrapped, sucked on, and right in the middle of things where we can get crushed by a car. Because this is what men do. 

Even if you might do stuff like meeting the family when you are not “official” there is still not that security- without the girlfriend title, the girl is always thinking, What if? What if the phone call he didn’t return means he doesn’t like me anymore? Or the text, or email, or bbm? What if when he didn’t call me on Friday night he was hooking up with another girl? What if when he told me he couldn’t hang out on Wednesday he actually could and was just making excuses? And the list goes on and on…


Yes, I know we girls are neurotic. But in order for us to do all the things that women are supposed to do-and typically like doing- for men, such as being nurturing, listening, cooking, giving advice, giving massages, engaging in intercourse, etc., there is one simple thing that we ask in return: Security. Which encompasses loyalty.

Security only comes not only when the title arrives but also when the introduction becomes, “Hi, this is my girlfriend _______.” 

And that includes on facebook.

Even if you legitimately are a “private person”, unfortunately the internet has made privacy virtually obsolete, and has made public announcements of things like relationships, the norm.


So when you won’t put “In a relationship” up on facebook, you are saying to the girl one of several things: I don’t actually care about you. I’m extremely stubborn, particularly about stupid things. Or: I’m hooking up with other girls when you are not around. Not “I’m just a private person.”

Because unfortunately for the “private” guys who are sweet and loyal to their girlfriends, the “private” guys who keep things private just so they can hook up with the world have ruined things for you- just like the obnoxious kids in school did Recess. It may not be your fault, but you have to endure the consequences. 

Which means changing your facebook, if that’s what she cares about.


So my advice- if you are willing to acknowledge the girl as your girlfriend in real life, then that means you care about her, and caring about her means caring about the things that she cares about, which obviously includes your facebook status. So just do it. 

Ian, your idea, while it initially had appeal to me, ultimately won’t pan out- Because girls care so much about what other people think, if her friend Suzy is on her facebook profile page in the cubicle next to her and she sees that on Suzy’s network, your profile just says “in a relationship” and not “In a relationship with so-and-so,”  as Michelle says on Full-House, “You’re in biiiiig trouble, mister.” 


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Posted in advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, facebook, food for thought, friendship, global dating, sex, social anthropology, technology | 2 Comments »

Top 8 Tips to Meet Someone by New Year’s

Monday, December 21st, 2009
Me and...Myself? Not this New Years...

Me and...Myself? Not this New Year's...

Volunteer: Whether it is at a soup kitchen, an animal shelter, or your local religious establishment, get on your Good Samaritan shoes and go help humanity. You are not only likely to meet someone, but you know it will be someone who cares about others. What more could you ask for?

Holiday party- hop: Take advantage of holiday parties to meet people outside of your social circle. And also use it as a chance to really talk to people who strike your interest- the advantage of holiday parties is that they carry a congenial air; even the shiest person is infused with that friendly holiday vibe. In addition, as everyone knows someone at the party, there is more than likely to be a party guest who can give you goods on that blue-eyed gentleman you’ve been eyeing all night.
Bonus tip: Bake something for the party, no matter what sex you are. “Food is the way to a man’s heart,” as the saying goes (and I would beg to add- a woman’s- there is nothing sexier than a man who cooks). “Who baked the amazing fudge brownies?” the party will twitter. You will stand out before you know it. Cha-ching!

Join a Christmas Caroling group: While spreading good cheer around the neighborhood and giving those vocal chords a workout, you might also score yourself a pretty brunette soprano or a handsome tenor.

Join a Meet-up group: – Meetup groups (www.meetup.com) exist for just about every interest, whether intellectual (ex. book discussions) or hobby-oriented (ex. climbing). Sign up for an event and instantly meet tons of people who share your passion.

Join a Dating Network: – The new and refined version of dating websites, dating networks (like Meezoog, for example), use sophisticated technology and real profiles in order to create a social circle around you that simulates the circle you create in real life- what does that mean? Your potential mates are people with similar backgrounds, similar friends, and similar interests- not bad, huh?

Go to a Charity Event or Non-Profit Fundraiser: On the mailing list for a non-profit or charity group that is constantly throwing galas and events to raise money for its do-gooding? Cough up the cash and sign up for one- not only are you contributing to a good cause in a time where non-profits are desperate for funding, but you are likely to meet someone of a similar social caliber (they paid too, didn’t they?) with a heart towards humanity as well.
Bonus Tip: Support the charity whose activities interest or inspire you the most- there will be people at the event who feel the same way as you, enabling an instantly deeper connection than with someone you meet randomly at a bar.

Get away for a few days: Have a few days off for the holidays but your parents have retired to Mumbai? Or maybe you just don’t celebrate Christmas? Use the time to get away for a few days. Do it with an organized group to meet the maximum number of people and to travel worry and hassle-free. Try clubgetaway.com.

Go Speed Dating: You’ve always wondered about it, now go do it! A lower risk commitment than a blind date, and more casual than typical singles events, speed dating offers a way to meet tons of singles of the opposite sex in less time than it takes you to finish your martini.
Bonus Tip: Bring a single friend for ultimate fun, and don’t count out the opportunity to meet potential business contacts as well as dates! Bring plenty of business cards.

Posted in NYC, advice, advice for guys, advice for women, dating, global dating, holiday advice, relationships, soulmates, technology | 2 Comments »

When “ilikesoccer53″ is actually a horny old man…or worse yet, a Nigerian scam artist

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

Remember the early days of AOL, when random people would IM you and ask a/s/l? And you would go, eww, what a creepo. Or maybe you would respond, but with a fake age, location, and description. As in, “I’m blonde from California, I have 34D breasts and weigh 110 lbs, and I’m 18 years old,” Of course, you were actually breast-less with braces, had crazy brownish-blond curls (not the good kind of curls), and weighed 120 lbs. Oh, and you were 11 years old. Ok, well maybe that was just me.

But regardless, the reason that I never provided any inquirers will real information about myself (aside from the fact that no one would have wanted to talk to me had I given them my actual description), was in respect to my safety.

I am from one of those little small suburbian towns where nothing ever happens. That is, until the birth of online. A girl from a neighboring town who went to Catholic school (go figure), met an older man at the mall who she had met online. Two days later, her body was found in a dumpster.
And the stories persist….Look at the link below to see more instances of when people aren’t who they say they are…

http://www.dangersofinternetdating.com/articles/cybercrime.htm

Yet somehow with the splurge of online dating, and with the seemingly increasing need for many people to find that special someone, the things our mothers told us never to do, we do, and do without thinking.

Yet now murder isn’t the only thing that can happen from meeting someone online. Welcome to the era of easy money transfers and scam artists.

This article, http://www.thesunchronicle.com/articles/2009/12/06/news/6503547.txt, from Sunday’s paper, details how a Nigerian man exploited a woman “just looking for love” on match.com, for almost 50,000 dollars.

And apparently, she isn’t the only one. And the scam artists aren’t only men.

So this article is a plea to women, to men, to children, to whoever, to stay safe. Even though the internet may just seem like the best way to communicate today, don’t give out too much information, if you meet someone you met online, meet them at a public place, and for the love of g-d, even if they are as cute as their picture, do not go home with them!! Remember, you know nothing about this person other than what they have told you.

One of the most important features of Meezoog, and why I like it so much, is because no person appears without a context. Every potential mate is connected to you through one of your friends, which gives you the ability to check up on that potential mate through someone you know and trust. And accepting a “friend request” isn’t as easy as that- you must indicate how well you know the person, the last time you talked to them, and where you know them from.

On top of all this, people join Meezoog with their real names, not with silly usernames that allow people to get away with scams like the guy from Nigeria did on match, or to get away with literally, murder.

So if you are going to online date, do it safely. Do it on Meezoog.

Also, not knowing someone doesn’t only apply to online- even if you go on a date with someone you met at a bar, say- remember that that the only things you know about him are what he decides to tell you. Yes, even if you are facebook friends- if you have no friends in common, or the friends you have in common you don’t even really know, then you are still s.o.l., and could be on your way to disaster.

(Oh, and don’t trust the people around you in a public place to intervene should your date do something strange. I saw a social psychology video where the couple at the bar saw a girl’s date put some kind of drug into her drink when she went to the bathroom, and only one out of four couples intervened to the extent that they wouldn’t let the girl leave the bar with her date (the people on the date were actors of course). Remember, the bystander effect is a b****)

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Posted in advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, global dating, safety in internet dating, technology | No Comments »

Does Class Matter?: From the UK to the US

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

“Class matters,” he said to me. We were walking through the Museum of Natural History in South Kensington.

“What do you mean?” I asked. I looked to my left, distracted by something sparkly.
Was that gold? Or fools gold? I peered into the case, aching to press my hands against the glass like a small disobedient child. I refrained. Whatever it was, it was pretty.

“It just does, “he said. I took my eyes away from the sparkly item.
He stopped and looked me. “For example,” he said, “you are bright and educated – you should be with someone from your class. Nothing else will work.”

I still didn’t really get it. The whole class concept is pretty foreign to me, as in America we are taught that no matter where or how we are born, we can become the President of the United States if only we work hard and persevere. We are taught to respect others, regardless of race or religion; to appreciate good morals and generosity of character over any so-called class.

But while social mobility may be more elastic in the United States than the UK, enabling those of a lower socio-economic status or foreign birthplace to work their way to the top, I was about to find out while American social mobility may be thriving and well, classes have not disappeared. Particularly when it comes to romance.

Two weeks later…

I went to Yale for the annual Harvard-Yale game, which basically constitutes an enormous tailgate full of U-Hauls, kegs, and knit sweaters, crimson on one side, blue-and-white on the other. Oh, and a football game. But I didn’t go to that.

I was blissfully happy to be surrounded by preppy Ivy League men, and even happier to be spending time with a lovely friend who I hadn’t seen for a while.

After a very fun day schmoozing with Yalies upon Yalies, and being fed by nurturing alums (there’s nothing like hot meatballs and seven layer dip on a cold fall day), we headed to our nighttime destination: Toads.

Toads is a club that is packed to overflowing on the weekends, a variegated mix of Yalies and townies.

Although I had lived for a summer at Yale, it wasn’t until I stood on the Toads line with my three friends that I remembered how stark the difference is between the citizens of New Haven and their Ivy League coinhabitants.

Two women stood in front of me with long nails, big hair, and tight leopard print dresses. I suddenly felt modest in my black leggings and ivory tank. The line to enter was an odd mix of cream sweaters with big blue Y’s on them and sideways hats, low-slung pants, and bitty dresses.

One hour and a lot of bad eighties songs later, the lights came on. It was time to leave.
As my friend and I carefully walked down a black ramp to the floor, I saw a petite girl with curly brown hair and a forlorn face being pulled down the ramp next to us by her friend. The girl (she looked young, probably a freshman or a sophomore) was gazing longingly behind her.

I wondered why she was so sad, when her friend tugged the girl so hard they almost tumbled down the ramp. “Sara,” she yelled, “He’s from New Haven!”

I was shocked. At first the friend’s comment struck me as comical, but then I found it sad. No matter who the guy was, if he didn’t go to Yale, he would never be accepted by those who do. Particularly as any sort of boyfriend or lover.

The two entities of people are like tap water and bottled water, both the same in composition, but one distilled and refined; having a higher value. And you don’t mix tap water with bottled for fear of contaminating it, although whether or not it has contaminating properties is constantly debated.

I thought back to what Ethan had said in London between the mineral displays and the man-made solar system. Does class really matter? If it does, what are the delineating factors between one class and another? Is it education? Finances? Birthplace? Family? All of the above?

And can you be with someone from another class and be happy?

Find happiness now on Meezoog.

Posted in communication, dating, food for thought, global dating, social anthropology | No Comments »

BBM Buddy: The New Pen Pal

Monday, November 16th, 2009

“Want to be my bbm buddy?” he asked tentatively. “Your what?” I responded. Was this some sort of weird sexual request? “Your bbm buddy,” he repeated, looking slightly aghast. I looked at him blankly. “You know, on your blackberry?”

“Oh,” I said. New to the world of blackberries, I was starting to recall the term from somewhere. But I still had no idea what it meant.

Ten minutes later, his explanation had sufficed, and the deed was done. I had given him my pin.

I still futz around with bbm, but I am starting to get the hang of it. The glory of bbming (blackberry instant messaging) is that you can see multiple responses at once, without having to open them one at a time like with texts. Also, you can see all of your conversations with a particular contact at once.

I’m not really explaining this well. Probably because I am still figuring it out.

But suffice it to say that bbming is the most advanced form of instant messaging.

I probably like bbming because I have fond, nostalgic memories of good old AIM.

I remember sitting in front of my computer, procrastinating from doing my homework, a braces-filled 13 year old, the windows popping up like candy. I coudn’t even respond to them as fast as they appeared. It was a challenge, a test of social competency. And I loved it.

Before that, I had a pen pal from Israel. We wrote back and forth in Hebrew. I loved receiving her letters and writing back to her. We never knew when, or if, we would see each other again, but yet we shared a special relationship, and kept a friendship going, through our letters.

All of these modes of communication enable us to keep and foster the relationships in our lives, whether they are friendships or romantic relationships. By bbming someone, gchatting, texting, emailing, or writing, it says to the person, I am thinking of you. And very often, this is also an indication that you care about the person and about your relationship with that person.

Particularly in a romantic situation, especially if you don’t see the person everyday, a simple “How is your day going?,” can be priceless. It indicates that you are genuinely interested in that person and care about what is going on in their lives, even if it isn’t you. This implies selflessness, which is an invaluable trait in a mate.

So keep in touch. Even if you are busy, it doesn’t take long to send a quick email, or bbm, or whatever, saying, “Hey, I’m sorry i have been MIA, but just wanted to say hi and see how you are.” Or tell them about a funny occurrence in your life that somehow relates to an inside joke you have with them. Keeping in touch will work wonders for your friendships, your romantic relationships, and how people view you: as someone who cares about people other than themselves.

Keeping in touch will also help you if you ever need a favor from someone- you won’t be asking out of the blue, and they will be more likely to fulfill it if they feel good about their relationship with you (or feel like they even have one).

So get out of here and go get in touch with someone you haven’t talked to in ages, and think is particularly awesome. Or send that girl you are dating a quick, “How’s your day going?”

Remember, the fuller our relationships, the fuller are our lives. And possibly our text message boxes.

Keep in touch with friends you know now on Meezoog! It’s not too late…

Posted in advice, advice for guys, advice for women, communication, dating, friendship, global dating, relationships, technology | No Comments »

The Modern Day Romans

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

POWER

Then

Then


Now

Now

“American girls are sexy,” he said, laughing and making a drunk imitation of himself, eyes rolling towards the back of his head. “That’s what I said when I was trying to pick you up,” he laughed, eyes squinting at me mischievously.

Throughout my ‘holiday’ in London, I have never felt less sexy. Every time I speak, move, or even breathe, I feel brash, coarse, and slightly tainted. The difference between myself in my ASICS and mustard yellow field hockey shorts huffing and puffing to my IPOD next to the skinny posh Brit sashaying down the street towards Harrods in South Kent, is striking. To the point where it scares me. Am I really this unrefined?, I think to myself. Their accent is quite a fitting symbol of those posh and royal Brits, light, airy, and sexy, while ours is twangy, hard, and unforgiving, a practical butchering of the English language.

So when Henry alluded to my sexiness, I was shocked. “Why are American girls sexy?” I asked him, leaning my right arm on my pool cue (needless to say, I had just scratched again).

“Huh,” he responded, as he shot two solid colored balls right into the back side pockets of the pool table. He straightened up and stood for a moment.

Then he looked straight at me.

“It’s because you rule the world,” he said. “You’re the modern day Romans.” Wow, I thought. So he was saying that my American identity made me a powerful, fierce ruler? I liked where this was going…

“And there is particularly something about being with a girl from Manhattan,” he continued, “Some guys just get off on that.”

It made sense, confirming what I already knew: that New York is the epicenter of the most powerful country on earth, and New Yorkers the most powerful people in the world.

It was the first time I had truly understood my power as a New Yorker, and as a New York woman at that.

Because in a city like New York, where we are always aspiring towards something greater, it is typical to forget how much weight we already do have.

So you guessed it: I won that game of pool (ok, well maybe it had less to do with the New York woman thing and more to do with him scratching the eight ball). But regardless, drinking my buttery victory pint, I felt darned sexy.

Find your sexy New York woman now on Meezoog.

and stay tuned for the Dating Diva’s next blog, “When Dating is a Political Choice.”

Posted in NYC, food for thought, global dating | No Comments »

“When Love is a Schlep”- NY Times

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/18/realestate/18cov.html?_r=2&ref=realestate

“When Love is a Schlep” (how great is that title by the way) details the irritating and oh-so-true fact about New York relationships: that often, dating in New York can feel like long- distance dating. This is enhanced by the insane work week, the spreading out of young people into the burroughs, and the fact that the subway takes freaking forever, particularly to go to places like Brooklyn and Queens.
My friend Sheila briefly dated a guy who lived in Washington Heights, while she resided in Brooklyn. He was also a workaholic. “Oy vey,” was all she said when I asked what happened to him. She didn’t need to explain any further.

Also, New York could be the worst place ever for “morning afters” in the case that a couple has decided to get intimate with each other (unless you live in the same apt building- and that’s just a bad idea). Particularly for couples who live in different neighborhoods, the idea of the morning after is enough to deter the night itself.

For guys it’s not so bad. They can hide their messy hair under a baseball cap and smooth out their polo. But for women, it’s the absolute worst. The subway is very public. Rather than being able to hop into the privacy of your own car, roll up the windows and put on a ratty sweatshirt from the backseat, the morning after in NYC means an embarrassing epiic of a subway ride home (see: black eye makeup smeared all over the face) or a very expensive cab ride, if your mate lives far away. Also, sometimes womens’ high heels are so high or skirts so short that it would be literally impossible to ride the subway home, for fear of death by tripping, or rape by well, raping. This guarantees a crazy expensive cab ride. A lot of the time it is easier to part ways at the end of the night, instead of going home with someone.

What does this do for couple’s intimacy levels who don’t live so close to one another in the city? Not a whole lot- because due to the inconvenience of getting to each other’s places, the couple always meets in a central location, as the Times article indicated. These types of central locations are devoid of space to have any sort of physical intimacy (PDA people aside…fyi, you are gross), and they are also simply impersonal. How can you truly understand someone if you have never seen the space that they live in? This space, and how they function in it, tells a lot about a person.

So is there an answer? The only thing I can think of is hanging out in your neighborhood when trying to meet people of the opposite sex, and particularly hanging out there during the week, when people are there just to chill and not to party.

So should you count someone out because they live in Astoria and you in Brooklyn? No. But you should be aware that it is going to be a lot harder to make things work than if the other person lived down the block.

Posted in NYC, food for thought, global dating, relationships | 3 Comments »

The Engagement Double Standard

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

I went shopping for engagement rings this week. Ok, not really shopping, more like window-shopping. And although I am curious about the diamond that will grace my ring finger in years to come, I moreso went as research: to demystify the ring itself.

After salivating over an exquisite round cut diamond by Robert Coin at Saks, and Stella the saleslady promising my nonexistent fiancee the friends and family discount, I thought about the ring on my way back to work. It was so glimmery, and shimmery, and proud (Stella said it spoke to me. I wonder what it said).

But then two days later, while running over the Williamsburg Bridge, something about those exact characteristics of the engagement ring struck me as strange.

The engagement ring is certainly a way to express commitment and the promise to marry, but it is also a surefire way to tell that a woman is off the market.

Why is it that a woman wears an insanely loud diamond as soon as she is to be married, yet the man wears no symbol of his future bethrothal during the engagement, an engagement which may sometimes last for years?

I thought about the several bad experiences I had been through with engaged men. These men hit on me with the gusto of single men. I, a naïve young woman, was none the wiser as there was no reason for me to suspect that these men might be not only unavailable, but like really unavailable. Upon my finding out, I was crushed (another man down the drain of morality) and also consumed with pity for the soon-to-be-wife- did she have any idea what her fiancee was up to on his Saturday night?

Apparently, in a number of countries outside the US, people don’t run into these issues. This is because the men wear engagement rings in addition to the women.

Male engagement rings are slender and relatively discreet compared to womens’. Many times the engagement ring doubles as the wedding band. Upon the betrothal, the man simply switches the ring from one hand to the other.

When I discovered the existence of male engagement rings, I wrongly assumed that they would exist in countries home to eccentric cultures and religions. On the contrary, they are in fact prevalent in several Western European countries, among them Finland, Sweden, Germany and Denmark, in addition to Brazil and Egypt.

Many people say that a male engagement ring is necessary in this progressive feminist culture where women are increasingly the ones proposing.

There are other countries where the man may not wear a ring, but instead receive a watch from the woman to symbolize the engagement.

As the engagement ring is worn on the fourth finger of the hand because this finger is thought to house the “vein amoris,” a vein that connects straight to the heart, I wonder exactly what the wrist is thought to house.

Do I want my future fiancee to wear an engagement ring? Probably not. But I can’t say that I am totally opposed to the idea…

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Posted in food for thought, global dating, weddings | 1 Comment »

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